Perspectives

Posted on March 13, 2012 by

I am dealing with alot of issues with God right, now. How well do I hear him? When I hear his promises and encouragment that I am walking into a  new season, am I hearing correctly? Doubt has crept in. How do you walk in the humility that God has set for you without feeling abased?  How do you walk in his strength and confidence without being overly confident or too proud? God would never let me forget that I can do nothing without Him.

Life is always a challenge. God would remind me not to let others define my worth, or to dictate what I can and cannot do. But sometimes life is hard when you think you have at least some things figured out or heard God about a few things, only to find out that some of what you thought is wrong. I guess the challenge is embracing life the way it is, and embracing God’s plans even when it turns out to be diferent than you expected.

I sincerely want God’s will above my own and sincerely trust that His will is better than my own. But when I try to follow him and then get it wrong and feel punished for getting it wrong, then it is like a slap in the face. This is where the Enemy comes into attack me. I can trace this type of thinking back to my abuse. So each time I go through this struggle, I have to readjust my perspective and my outlook on God. There’s a really harsh “Punisher” view of God that rears its ugly head now and then, despite how much I think I moved past it. Just this past Sunday I heard someone speak about how easy things are when you are in the middle of God’s will, and it felt like my face was being stepped on, because things have not been easy for me, despite persistant hard, ongoing effort-so does that mean I’m not in his will despite how much my flesh has been perishing, and I’ve consistently been giving up my own will and desires which feels painful to me?

My life has been hard and has been for most of my life, but actually felt a little easier before I fully committed my heart and soul to God which was maybe around 1998-1999 after being back-slid for about 6 years. I actually got saved at age 5, but I encountered God in a much deeper way after the re-comittment around 1998.  But perhaps when you find yourself in the wilderness and you’re on your way out, getting out doesn’t just come instantly, but can be a hard, long journey. My wilderness experiences come from mistakes from before I was saved (recommitted) and even afterward, when I just couldn’t hear God correctly, but was earnestly trying to. I also believe my wilderness experience is because of the sins that were committed against me, maybe even alot more so.  I believe deep in my soul that God is not going to allow me to suffer forever because of my mistakes or what has happened to me. I believe I am in His will and on my way out of the wilderness, even if I’m hearing him 80% of the time versus 100%. I believe that God called me to a harder life than most, but that the rewards will more than make up for it. True faith is trusting God even when life doesn’t feel good, even when you go through long, drawn out painful experiences. So during the wilderness I keep my eyes on God and his promises. He dangles them in front of me and leads me forward by his light. I believe He’s shown me some important things to do to move me out of my circumstances, and I have done them, am still doing them. Even if at times I get the particulars wrong, I can always go back to his Word, how he has plans to bless me, give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11.) He did everything I needed on the cross. Even my most recent artwork, “The Overcoming Worshipper” reminds me not to look at my circumstances, but to trust Him in all things and keep pressing through. I really think I am beginning to walk into a new season.

I’ve been ministered to alot prophetically recently, after sort of a drought where God would only let me hear Him for myself, and the words are all encouraging and confirmation for words I heard myself. One thing that really stood out was that after I go through this inner healing of the sexual abuse through the vehicle God is using, the theophostic (primarily) which he anticipated might be another 2 years, God will be closing doors permanently. These doors are the ways the enemy has gotten into my life and caused torment through the abuse, but the healing will shut it once and for all-and I will never again go back into the land of slavery.

Just so everyone is aware…I have been in healing mode for about for about 21 years when the memories first surfaced in dreams. I actively started therapy to address it while in undergrad and had 6 months of therapy maybe around 1994, but at that time all she really did was address my self-esteem and get me back on the deans list and a tad bit more stable. Then after I had my daughter out of wedlock in August 1995, I started therapy again by October 1995 and had three years worth specifically addressing the sexual abuse and whether it may or may not have happened, as at that time I suspected, but had nothing more than dreams to go on. I was really able to gain some stabilization. I took a short break in grad school, but found it necessary to go back after 9/11 and more disturbing dreams so by October again I started therapy and did another 3 years. Then had a break until this past April when I started again with theophostic, and its been almost a year already, and for the first time I am getting complete memories, although some memories are not quite complete, yet..

What’s kind of strange is that recently I began to get quite a bit of a particular memory which surfaced in dreams first about being abused by a group of people where I am flying over my body in a panic. I always thought this memory would come last and being the hardest and most terrifying. I was surprised to get any part of the memory-the reenactment and the visual-2 weeks ago, but the emotional part was strangely cut off. But perhaps that’s an easier way to ease me into the memory. I don’t mind it. I’m going to stop judging how fast or organized I heal. Who cares if I don’t get all my memories at once or the full picture at once-at least I’m getting it and that is amazing. Perhaps the pressure made it even harder, and now I decided to just let what comes, come. But I also realized the hardest part is not going to be the terror or brutality, the hardest part, I think, will be the emotional parts of even less physically severe abuse and how it affected the way I see myself…I’m not really ready to go into it.

This brings me back to perspectives again. God is constantly tweaking them. I know i said life is hard, but i can honestly say, I feel it getting a bit easier as I learn to trust Him. It feels good to have a Daddy to go to when you’re hurt or confused. Sometimes He just loves on me, even if he doesn’t give me the answers I want. As i keep saying over and over, even though I don’t get everything I want, such as all the answers, he keeps showing me His love is enough. Soon, oh so soon, all the fear will be gone, and I will find myself emersed in an unending river of his love. And I will thank the Lord that he brought me through so much, that He showed me the way. Once I reach my place of freedom, nothing can take it away.

 

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The Overcoming Worshipper

Posted on March 10, 2012 by

The Overcoming Worshipper

 

 

This is a new piece that I feel good about. It’s a mixed media acrylic painting which is highly texturized on gallery wrapped canvas with the sides painted. It measures 21.875 x 27.875 x .75 inches. I am asking $600 for the original. I worked on it for about a month. You can contact me by email, cassandraleedonnelly@yahoo.com,  if you are interested or click on the picture and you can go to fine art america and go from there. You can also purchase a print. The prices range depending on if you want a notecard or a canvas print or art print. I try to make my art affordable for everyone.

This piece is about overcoming adversity and pressing into God to reach your freedom. You can read more below if you’re interested in it.

Unlocking Your Heart: The Overcoming Worshipper

Overcoming means pressing into God even through adversity. It’s standing on God’s promises and refusing to give up, no matter what you have to push through. It’s hoping and trusting in God, that He will take care of you and bring you to the abundant destiny he has for you, including fully releasing you in your artistic gift, simply because you believe and do the things He tells you to do. He will make a way where there is no way, one step at a time! Refuse to look at the circumstances of your life, at all those negative things that make you feel trapped, hopeless, oppressed, and anxiety-ridden. Instead, choose to listen to what your Creator tells you. Hear His voice, seek His face, touch His heart. Follow only after Him. He will lead the way and light the path. He will show you the way. He will not give up on you. Do not give up on yourself., nor on Him, no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes, no matter how dark and narrow the path. Your God will never leave your or forsake you. He is with you ‘till the end, and He is big enough to take you through to the other side. He is here to heal your heart, cleanse you, and give you a brand new life with a bright, beautiful future. Each day is new. Trust Him. He loves you. That love is all you need. It is enough. It is enough. It will carry you to the mark, to that spacious, beautiful place of your freedom.

In this painting, the Overcoming Worshipper, the artist/worshipper (which is me and maybe you… this is why the face is blank) is pressing in to her God, despite the adversity around her. She is willing to be transparent before God and before others. She sees a reality other than the broken world she lives in. She sees the power of God, and what Jesus did on the cross, and she believes in it! She knows her God is faithful. She knows her God has been with her through good times and bad, and that He has wept with her and laughed with her; that He has cared tenderly for her, and brought her through so much. He has become her life-source. With reckless abandon, she has given her heart completely to Him. She worships him for who He is, for the sweet promises He has given her, and for the ways He has come through for her, even when she didn’t always get what she wanted, even when life has been harsh and cruel. She is beginning to understand why God allows such things, His sovereignty, and divine plan to restore justice, correct the wrongs, and bring restoration. She is coming into a revelation of His infinite goodness and incomprehensible love for her-which allows her little by little to open her heart to be touched by Him. Little, by little the thick, hard, sharp layers of her heart begin to get softened, the junk begins to fall off; the weights begin to be removed. She finds herself becoming lighter and lighter, more and more secure. The way gets easier and easier in the Spirit, despite the obstacles of the flesh and the world. She’s becoming more confident that the problems she encounters are no match for God, because He knows the answers, and He’s willing to show her. He wants her to be free, even more than she does. She dances before him because she sees the destiny she has in Him. She knows that she is free in Him. As she worships before him, despite even the circumstances she still faces today, butterflies are being released to represent her beautiful transformation and the freedom she is encountering. Her freedom is being manifested in the Spirit first, but she knows it is only a matter of time, before her reality in the physical world, lines up with what she knows to be true in the Spirit World. She is free. She is an overcomer! She has the victory in Christ!

 

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Digital art: Unexpected Adventure, 03.08.12

Posted on March 8, 2012 by

Unexpected Adventure

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The Almond Blossom Menorah Lampstand

Posted on March 3, 2012 by


 

This is my latest artwork. It was a commissioned piece. I was asked to create the Lampstand from Exodus 25, but she wanted it to look like my other Almond Blossom Menorah Painting, only with 7 branches instead of 9. The person who requested it was doing a Beth Moore Study about the lampstand, and so was really intrigued and fascinated by it.

This piece was made with acrylics primarily as that is the medium she requested. I tried as close as possible to keep the same color scheme (since she also requested this), and to draw it in a similar way.

The first thing I did, however, was to establish what the painting surface would be. She wanted wood. I had never painted on wood before, but figured it could not be that complicated. She told me the dimensions she wanted and then I went to Home Depot and purchased a piece of oak wood. It was not that expensive. I googled how wood should be prepared for painting aside of gesso, and discovered it should be sanded first, so I went about sanding it. I gessoed the front and sides as I found out she wanted the sides painted, too. Later, I decided to gesso the back and paint that as well because it was looking a little sloppy from drops of paint. I’ll get into that more later.

Nest, I figured out the measurements of the Almond Blossom Menorah watercolor piece and set out to make this new painting in the exact same dimensions, which wasn’t that hard. Luckily things converted easily. I had to work off the computer screen to match the colors because I don’t have a color printer that works. I also managed to print out a black and white copy of the watercolor painting at work, which helped a little as far as sizing, dimensions, and drawing goes. I decided what I’ll do is draw it out on paper first in the size and proportions it needs to be in, get her approval, and then do a graphite transfer. I didn’t have paper big enough so I taped two together. Remind me next time just to go out and buy some or borrow some, because it did make the transfer harder where the tape was. I didn’t have transfer paper, either, so I did it the good old fashioned way, and used up nearly an entire graphite pencil. For those who don’t know, I basically just covered every part of the back of the drawing with solid heavy pencil, then once my canvas was prepared, I simply laid it on my canvas in the right spot and then traced over my design in the pencil, causing the graphite on the back to be transferred onto my canvas. This way you can work out your design and don’t have to worry about eraser marks or smears on your already prepared and painted canvas. It also takes some of the pressure off.

I had made a graphite transfer once before using a water-soluble graphite pencil so this time I made sure it was not water soluble, that way the graphite doesn’t run when you go to paint it or add water.

Some people draw the design and then paint, but I thought it would be easier and look neater to go ahead and do the background first and then transfer the design. Honestly, drawing is not my favorite thing to do…I like the painting part better, so if I got bored from drawing or needed a break then I went to painting the background, which was more fun for me.

And boy, did I paint the background! The challenge was to get the acrylics to look similar to watercolors. She made it clear she really liked the background of the watercolor painting so I tried hard to make it similar and as nice. It went through so many layers of paint, maybe 20 all together. I decided to try something new and that was an acrylic glazing medium. This allowed me to add transparent layers with just a hint of color. I actually had to sneak in a bit of watercolors to get to the color to match better since there was a special color I had used. I liked how it turned out.

When I was done with the painting, I painted the back and hand wrote the entire scripture reference. She was going to do this on her own, so I thought it would be nice if i just added it for her in a more artistic way. It really wasn’t that hard. She loved it! I had fun making it! Mission accomplished! She was a pleasure to work with.

This art piece seemed to flow naturally and nicely from other pieces I had created earlier, which gives it a bit more history. I feel like God was moving in my artwork with certain themes and then building on them, and shifting them through the power of his Holy Spirit in ways He wanted to communicate-which just flowed progressively. It started with my almond blossom tree painting, “The Promise of the Almond Tree.” I created this around September 2011 because I read a passage which was really inspiring to me about the olive tree in the Bible in Romans 11, about being grafted into the olive tree, which sort of reminded me of a dream I had. You might say, wait a minute, you had an idea about  an olive tree, but then painted an almond tree? But read on because I explain more about what God was speaking to me and how it evolved. Maybe it was in October 2010 I had this dream  or a vision from God about being a tree that had been badly damaged and cut up into different pieces, but it was then put back together by means of grafting…all the different parts were connected again, and this new version was much stronger than it would have otherwise been. This dream represented what happened to me with my abuse, but the way God put me back together even stronger, also grafting me into himself…so when I came across the scripture about how we are grafted into the olive tree which is God it really spoke to me.  However, as I was researching it and looking up reference points, I somehow forgot I was looking up an olive tree and started looking up an almond tree instead…When I realized my error, I began praying to God about  this  and what He really wanted with the painting, an olive tree or an almond tree? I felt like God really wanted me to pursue the almond tree instead (my vision of the grafted tree might have to be for a different time.) He led me to the Scripture of Jeremiah 1:11-12,

The word of the Lord came to me: “What do you see, Jeremiah?” “I see the branch of an almond tree,” I replied. The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.”

He then really moved me in a  powerful way about his promises and how he always completes what he says he will do.  God was speaking to me about how when he says something, it’ll come to pass-no ifs ands or buts. In particular was all His promises of good things to come. It represented his faithfulness, his everlasting love, and his covenant with us. The tree also represented the beauty of the Kingdom of Heaven. Everything about God and his presence is beautiful, and when that presence is brought down to the Earth things begin to change. I had been going through a hard time in my life-still am-but the hard part of my life just seemed to be going on for so long that I was feeling a little discouraged and losing site of all the good  things God told me would come to pass. When he brought me to this scripture and led me to the painting, He was breathing new life into me and reviving me with his encouraging words, but at this point his words were more so in my head and not completely in my heart. His words through the making of the painting began to sink into me a little more, but God penetrated the message even deeper for me one day as I looked at the finished painting. One day I sat on the floor of my hallway feeling really broken-hearted. It wasn’t a place I would normally sit. I glanced up at the finished painting and God begin to minister to me through my own artwork! It’s as if he took it from head knowledge to heart knowledge. His presence just encompassed me and he began to show me everything I just described to you as I glanced at the painting, absorbed in his presence, his glory, and in the comfort and realization that I didn’t have to worry anymore because he was good and would be good on his word. I was tearful, I was so touched; melted in a good way. Then I knew, not just in my head, but in my heart, how good God was and that He was going to take care of me and everything was going to be O.K.

Shortly thereafter, one of my Jewish friend, Gail, had a vision of a menorah that also looked like and almond tree with blossoms. She explained it to me and I got excited because it seemed like confirmation-more almond blossoms! I decided that I really wanted to paint this for her and give it to her as a gift. I did the vision in watercolors and gave it to her around on January 1, 2011. It is our tradition to get together around the new year, praise and worship God, and see if we get any new words/guidance from God about the new year. She was very touched. Her reaction touched me because she was so awestruck and in tears for about 20 minutes! Her version has a bit more of a watercolor border around it. I cropped it out so I could have a clear scanned image of the painting.  It’s hard to get as much clarity with my camera. She originally did not want me to put the painting on-line, but I convinced her that it could be a blessing to others and actually increase the value of her painting if others knew about it. Her vision was a good one, because it was one of a kind.

It was early December 2011, almost exactly a year from when I created the Almond Blossom Menorah, when I was  contacted to created the Almond Blossom Menorah Lampstand. Of course, as i mentioned, she contacted me because she had seen my other painting and wanted a version of her own to capture what she was learning about in her Beth Moore Study. She tried to look up the Lampstand as described in Exodus 25 on-line and mine was the only one that came up even close. My intent with the lampstand was to match it up according to the Exodus scripture. It took me about 3-4 weeks to make it.

If you can remember during the time I was about to finish the painting, we experienced a kitchen fire. You can read about it here, “The Test of Fire,”  from  a previous post in my blog. I kind of felt like this was an attack from the enemy and that the enemy had intended to harm us and take out the painting, but God intervened, led me and my daughter away from the fire at the time, and offered a measure of grace and protection to my husband who had been burned by the fire, 2nd degree burns to his face, but recovered completely in about 2 weeks, when in all actuality he could have died. The fire went past him and behind him, melted the curtains behind him, scinged his hair, etc. I felt like God then turned the situation around to speak to me about his protection, about his sovereignty, his timelessness, his eternal love and glory.

In my spirit I heard:

“Nothing can quench your love. Nothing can quench your love. Nothing can quench your love. Your Truth will remain. Your Truth will remain. Your Truth will remain. It will stand the test of time. Your love is being poured out. Your love covers all. Your love is what we need…and when all is said and done, Your love will remain. Nothing can put out your love. Nothing can put out your love. Nothing can destroy who you are. Nothing can quench your love. It remains strong, powerful, and Holy.

Then I received a word for the church from God. This word was received within the first week of January 2012.

I stand undefiled, holy, blameless. I am as pure and holy today as I was at the beginning of time. I am timeless. I am the Truth, the Light, and the Way. All who remain in me will be saved. Do not trust your own strength. Do not trust your own judgment. Do not trust your own will or plan, but trust only in me. The Truth will become harder and harder to find, but if you remain in me I will set your paths straight. I will protect you. I will breathe my breath of Life of you, and you will grow and become the person I intended you to be. You will grow fruit, and become a
beautiful tree. You can do nothing on your own apart from me. But in me you can do all things. Look to me for your guidance. My light shall remain. My Truth shall remain. My love shall remain. Nothing can quench these out. Throughout the fiery trials of life, stand on my Word, stand on my Truth. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Nothing. The Enemy cannot destroy you when you are in me. I am the Way. I will show you what to do. I will speak to you in your circumstances and entrapments and I will show you the way out. Put all your trust in me. I am doing a new thing this day. My power is more real than you have known or believed. I am real. My power is real. I can heal you. I can deliver you. I can set you free. I can give you a new life full of abundance and good things. Trust in me. Trust my love for you. It is real. I will show you just how good I am, just how much I love you, but you must trust me with your full heart. Do not keep anything back from me. Submit to my will and plan for you, and trust that I will work all things for the good, better than you could have imagined. I am a good God, a loving God. When all is said and done, my Truth and love will remain, and nothing will quench it out. Nothing can destroy it. Immerse yourself in my everlasting love. Stand on this Truth. Wrap yourself in me, in this Truth: that I will be here for you for Eternity. Nothing can separate you from my love.

Your Heavenly Father

 

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My healing is painful and slow, but I am moving forward one step at a time!

Posted on February 19, 2012 by

It’s been a rough time for me, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Change and healing can be hard, painful work. Sometimes life and circumstances make me feel trapped and hopeless-but regardless of how it feels or looks to me, I take one step in front of the other and I walk forward. God is my Hope. I always remind myself not to go by how I feel or how things look. With God, anything is possible! Because I hear his voice, I do what he tells me. Logically, how can things stay the same if I am doing new things? I may not have it all together and I may not be super fast at my healing, but I am healing, slowly but surely. As I lead group art therapy sessions to patients who are hopeless I sometimes like to quote Confucius who says, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” I look at recovery that way.

I used to judge myself for being slow or compare myself to others, but I realized how fruitless that is. God only wants me to compare myself to what He wants for me.

Just recently, I went to the Catch the Fire conference that comes to Virginia Beach every year at the Founder’s inn. Normally we attend the entire conference, but this year we just went Friday night and Saturday night because we didn’t have the money to go to the entire thing. Normally, I get filled up with the fire of God. I’m one of those people that get drunk in God, fall over, laugh, giggle, dance, and sometimes with the fire start shaking and even whoohooing very loudly. I’m normally quiet by nature, but when God touches me sometimes its the opposite and I get very loud…This year wasn’t extremely loud and intense, but the year before that was when I was literally baptized with the fire of God on a whole new level…I was wondering..what was God doing in me? How come it seems like I get filled up and ready to go and nothing big happens in my life?  Well, after last year’s conference I think I was released into a little bit of preaching to the homeless and I felt a new anointing and a new confidence, but it didn’t last but a few months, and then the building we were meeting at closed down. Then I felt God speak to me that He was pulling me aside and wanted me to focus on my healing and my family for awhile, perhaps a year, perhaps longer..

I started the theophostic in April, after discovering the name of my therapist at the Catch the Fire Conference last February…I had been praying on it for about a year. When I was ready, he had an opening, so it was God’s timing as that was unusual as he’s pretty busy and has counseled some well known people, as well as he is a leader and expert in the field. And get this..this year it’s free! How’s that for God? I got a new insurance plan this year and mental health coverage is free! Next year, they might change their mind when they see the bill, but this year I’m taking advantage of it.

Anyway, that was a side note, but it felt like I got withdrawn from ministry which maybe hurt my ego a little bit, but God is trying to prune that off of me, anyway. So while I am being withdrawn for a personal time of healing, I see others I know and love advancing forward into new leadership roles, and I feel out of sinc. I fear others will judge me for withdrawing, but I can only do what God tells me. Just lastnight He said to me, “Why do you care what others think? Isn’t it more important what I think?”

To be honest, this personal time of healing for me and my family takes everything out of me…It is exhausting! No one could quite understand that unless they were going through it, but it is intense. It feels like I’m being weighted down with seventy-five pounds of rocks and then trying to walk a long distance under the weight-like years worth of a journey. Everything takes more effort because of the weight.

Each therapy session I am literally getting new memories and re-living through them so I can remember them for the first time since it originally happened, process them, and heal from them. I act out these intense memories in 45 minute sessions and as time goes on the memories get harder and more painful. It honestly feels like allowing myself to get re-abused. I lie on the floor and surrender to the memory, but I sometimes have to fight a deeper part of myself that has locked some of the memories and is resistant. All together, it never fails that I act out a memory in every session I allow myself to do so, but the level of memory I get sometimes varies…the tougher ones sometimes I only get partly. In order to be completley freed I need to get the entire memory. Unfortunately, I wasn’t just molested and touched, but the abuse that happened to me was pervasive, bizarre, violent, sadistic, and intense. Also, the abuse memories don’t just involve one incident of something, but generally there are several types of abuses that follow one another in one memory.

I would like to put a trigger warning in case other survivors are reading this…I am going to go into a few details in the next  paragraph…Even if you aren’t a trauma survivor you may want to decide how much you want to hear today…*****You can skip ’till you see ***** this again.

********

My more recent memories are involving blood and objects, like knives and screwdrivers. My last memory was the most intense and I re-experienced not just the terror, the violence, the shaking, the suffocation, and emotional pain I normally experience, but some sharp physical pain, a 10 on a pain scale of 1-10. Normally, my memories contain themselves just to my sessions and I don’t experience any flashbacks or abreactions outside of sessions (and very few nightmares), but with my last memory, the physical pain prolonged itself so I felt it outside the session as well. That really scared me. The thing was, it was at the end of a memory…first suffocation, then sodomy, then sodomy with an object, then oral rape…it felt like it would never end…It was some mouth and jaw pain…I had actually been to the dentist that morning for the pain on the right side which was so intense at times (maybe an 8)  I was experiencing migraines…it felt like all my nerves were inflamed in my face, neck, and head… The dentist decided it was some gum sensitivity (not even a cavity) and prescribed a certain toothpaste…but in session the pain occured on the left side and it felt like my mouth was swolen and bloody. My cheek was burning and it felt again like all my nerves were inflamed. I wasn’t sure if it was a memory or if somehow i had hurt my jaw/mouth by violently gagging and throwing up into the trash can.The pain was an 8 when I left session (I was crying uncontrollably, too, and could barely get myself together to leave the session) and a 4 or a 6 by the end of the night, and about a 2 or 3 for the next day or two, then a 1 for maybe half a week.  I always assumed sodomy would be the most intense pain I would experience, but this possibly topped it. I’m not sure though since I never felt the full extent of the sodomy pain in sessions…I repressed it.

*****End of trigger warning for details.

If you skipped over the details I’ll just fill you in by letting you know that I was talking about how I experienced some physical pain in my last session, a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale..which also occured outside of session for almost a week in various degrees. I confessed to my therapist that this was the first time I felt that level of physical pain. He was surprised I wasn’t experiencing more pain during all my previous sessions where I am screaming, shaking violently, writhing, etc. and basically told me I may not have been getting my complete memories and that my healing will be dependent on how deep I can connect to these memories. That really made me take a step back and ask myself if I’m going to be able to do this? The next session I decided to take a break and do some talk therapy. That had me feeling rather sad and wondering if maybe this might be a bigger task than I am physically/mentally capable of handling.

I am pretty determined…no not pretty determined, completely determined to heal. I mean that. I know God will give me the grace and strength to do this. Otherwise He wouldn’t have told me to do this. Each session I decide to let myself have a memory by positioning myself on the floor and allowing myself to receive what comes up, its kind of like deciding to go on an extrememly turbulent and scary rollercoaster (minus the fun). Once you get on, you cannot get off until its over. Once the memory starts, I cannot stop it until its over. So it some ways, that’s all I have to decide-just to get on. I regret it at the moment I’m going through it, but afterwards, I’m thankful that I have one more notch in my healing. If I experienced it the first time as a tiny child and survived, I can experience it a second time with the help of God and overcome it. Because the freedom I can experience as a result of doing this is worth it. Because the closeness and revelation of God’s love for me is what I absolutely have to have and these memories are what’s blocking it…and because I trust God. He will not fail me or forsake me. He would not lead me through here if I could not successfully come out of it. His intention is not to hurt me, but to free me. I want the freedom to experience the fullness of God’s love more than anything and decided that its the answer to every problem that I have.

I have a vision of myself being completely free from the trauma…not that it is erased from my memory, but that the experience no longer hurts me and blocks me…I can remember without pain and no longer have to walk around with repressed memories that weigh me down or cause me to have fear responses in life. In the vision I am light weight, free as a bird, dancing with joy under God’s glory, having encounters with Him in His secret garden, and fully able to experience and embrace all the wonderful things of life and the gifts God gives, and able to easily walk through the problems and challenges because my trust of God and revelation of His love for me is so complete. In the viison, I am physically healthy and beautiful because His radiance is on me. I once had a dream of myself in my late 40′s or early 50′s and I was beautiful-more than any other time in my life. I hope it will come true, but I believe God that it will. It’s the kind of vision that you never let go of, and it drives me!

So as I go through the dark tunnel of life, I see the light; I follow the light. God is good, and the more you really know and experience that, the better off you are.

We now have family support for Nina which equates to about five hours of in-home therapy per week for Nina. Although this is secular help, I know God has ordained it, and i know it will also lead to breakthrough for her, one step at a time. It is also painful and intense, but it also validaitng, and I no longer feel so alone in the problems. In fact, I feel like I am being liberated little by little. I have been more open with people about the problems and that feels liberating…like my shame is being pulled off of me layer by layer. I don’t go into a lot of details about her on here, simply for her protection.

God is definately in the mix of it, penetrating very deeply in me and my family. Yes, it is painful, but so needed.

The other hard part, aside of all of that, it the physical hardship of Steve not really making any money since he left his $12 an hour job to work at home for minimum wage and is barely working 8 hours every two weeks because the hours are hard to come by. I work 10-13 hour days about 4 days a week to compensate for him…well, no more than 40 hours…Work late till about 11pm and get up early around 7:30am with very little personal comfort. Alot of my comforts seem to get taken from me. My eye glasses got lost, our tv broke, my cell phone went missing, our computer broke and so I lost my ability to use my scanner or my new Coral Painter X program (we replaced it with one of our old, ridiculously slow computers that at times took up to 10 minutes to load one page), my ipod went missing, the cord of my camera broke…we lost our use of the stove and oven as a result of the kitchen fire…and no money to replace any of it or to afford much to eat other than rice and soup and maybe some pork roast or something of that nature in the crock pot that takes about 8-9 hours to cook once or twice a week. I handled it well the first month, but into the second month the cravings for good food more often were getting intense. I’m never quite sure how the rent or the bills are going to get paid because we are consistently short, and the numbers don’t work out, but somehow God is helping us. Its almost as if God allowed the Enemy to steal from me, just like he did with Job in the Bible. This can be discouraging at times and feel like it will last forever, but I feel almost certain that my days of loss and misery are numbered, just like it was for Job. I feel like perhaps I go through more hardships than the average person does, but also I feel like the bigger the testing, the more reward and giftings are going to come out of it.

I kind of feel like once the inner healing and family healing is complete, God is going to release me in a big way. I’m excited about my destiny. Sometimes I am overwhelmed and afraid because the glimpses He gave me are so big, but I know once I walk through this healing the fear will be removed and I will be ready. Praise God for his good works!

BTW, I want to mention that all those feelings of feeling hopeless, like it will never end, of feeling trapped, or feeling like my efforts are in vain, are all based on my memories because that’s how I felt during my abuse. When you put the feelings in the proper context you realize that they are no measure of what the future holds.

Also, I want to mention Steve was able to partially fix the computer that broke, although our cd rom drive is still broke, so still no Corel Painter x or scanner, but it is going much faster, now, enabling me to make an update.

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The Comfort of His Love

Posted on January 7, 2012 by
Falling Lights

I made this one this week and finished it up today.

I’m not 100% sure what it’s about, yet. It was an abstract, spontaneous piece.
I was feeling a tad anxious, but less so than last week with the fire and everything. I’m pretty much feeling much better by now. I find it so amazing how God has helped me with my anxiety overall.
The fire brought all the anxiety back again, but it only really lasted for about a week, and now it seems I’m pretty close to normal. The whole episode just basically helped me understand how far God has taken me, how much He has healed me, by reminding me how I used to feel almost all the time.
We got our daughter approved for FAPT services. That was quite an ordeal and basically made me feel exposed and extremely vulnerable. It was like being under a microscope. It was emotionally exhausting. I basically reached out and asked for help and wrote a letter addressing some of my concerns which put a lot of things out in the open, and in some ways could have possibly exposed us to harm, however I felt it was the only way. This is where I took a big leap of faith. In some ways I think God will heal me and my family on an even deeper level because of this. It is almost impossible to get residential services where I live, so I pretty much have to give up on this, but will trust in God that He’s in control and will help our family.  We’ve had a little bit of help already and I’ve seen some positive changes, but it’s only been 2 days.There’s been times in the past that things seemed to be improving for awhile, only to fall back later again or become worse over time.
However, I know with time, things will get better. God gave me a very encouraging Word through a prophetic service at church this past Sunday which was deeply comforting to my soul, and basically let me know things will turn around in a few years with Nina. She will be saved and doing ministry and actually we will be doing ministry as a family. Our hearts desires will be fullfilled, and that was one of the biggest ones. Having a happy family and a beautiful house of my own are some of the biggest secret desires along with being able to fullfill the destiny God chose for me. In the prophetic word, she saw as traveling and touching the nations, Steve as an “ambassador of love” and me being used with all my giftings, talents, and skills-which in my mind implies, art, writing, prophecy, art therapy, assessment, counseling, etc. I might have somewhat of a teaching gift, too. That would be cool for God to use everything.
Back to the picture: I like the colors and it seems soft. Steve thought it looked like a sunset over a waterfall. It does seem like something gently falling, so I decided to title it, “Falling Lights.” It could be me falling into God’s grace and plan; giving up my own will and trusting in him no matter how scary it feels. I suppose it also represents the comfort of God’s love. It’s always there, always comforting, no matter what else is going on. He pretty much took me from a place of high anxiety and wrapped me in His love…He brought my focus back to His presence. I thought it looked like an eye. When I think about that, I think about How He is always there, watching us, all knowing, all present. We can’t even escape His love if we try. It’s immenseIy comforting.
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The test of fire

Posted on January 1, 2012 by

Fire, oil pastel with Corel Painter X

I’ve been tested by fire in the literal sense.We had a house fire on Tuesday evening December 27th. Basically, the kitchen and some of the dining room was damaged as it was a grease fire. God saved my husband from it, although he did suffer first and second degree burns on the right side of his face. Today his face is looking considerably better. I think he is over the worst part of it. This is the second time he has escaped death in the past 6 months as he got in a major car accident sometime this past summer and basically only suffered a few scratches from that (car was totaled within first week of use-we are still paying on it, but only owe $200 more). He was actually in the fire; it was like Shadrack, Mishack and Abendico. The fire went right past him and behind him, melting the curtains behind where he was standing and blackening the walls. It did scinge his hair. I thought his head had caught on fire, but it was just the intense heat that scinged his hair. How he survived it without more severe injuries is an act of God. The simple truth is that God had/has us surounded by angels, and God protected us. We also suffered only minor personal damage, like the curtains, a coffemaker, some garland, a silk plant on top of the fridge, some ramein noodles on top of the fridge, and of course the pot. I have not asessed the full extent of possible smoke damage to my spices above the stove, my pots and pans still covered with some white stuff from the fire extinguishers, or my dishes and glasses, etc, but everything in the cabinents appears to be intact, even though the paint and enamel was burned off the cabinents.

We live in an apartment complex and have renters insurance. I still have been fighting anxiety about the whole situation. It was quite traumatic. My husband went by ambulance to the ER. As he switched jobs, he also switched insurances, so there was a small lapse in coverage for about a month, as he will be covered by me beginning today, but was not covered for the accident. So of course, I have been stressed by the expenses.

We are still living in the apartment, and finally most of the smoke smell has left. It has been a hardship not to be able to use the kitchen. We have not been visited by our insurance people yet to assess the damage, and in the inbetween time we are not supposed to use our kitchen, yet we can not afford not to use it. The fridge still works miraculously and we are saving our food in there. We still need to use a degree of dishes, and we found out our microwave worked yesterday so we have been using the microwave now, to heat up frozen meals because the stove obviously doesn’t work. We have a small trail through the white powder on the floor leading to the kitchen sink and the mirowave next to it, but we are trying our best to leave most of it as intact as possible. The fire department got there in 3 minutes and basically saved the rest of the apartment, as it could have easily been bad had they waited longer. It had already gone through the heater vent of the kitchen and out the heater vent of the dining room, melting the Green Christmas garland hanging on both walls in the dining room. I had to throw out one garland and the rameins because I was concerned they might still be flammable.

We have no extra money to go out to eat, etc, and anything we spend comes out of our rent money. We are so financially strapped at the moment. My biggest concern is not to get evicted or have some hefty bills to pay as a result.

I called my spiritual father to pray for my anxiety because it was getting close to over the top. He told me to keep giving it to God and letting go of it. This comes back to trusting in His goodness, love, and provision. I was also helped by reading back in my journal and thinking back again to how God is purifying me by having me in this pressure cooker…in essence forcing me to face every fear I’ve ever had in order that I might overcome and be free from them. We’re also dealing with the situation with our daughter, wondering if she will be sent to residential this Wednesday, January 4th. We’re looking at two major stressors this week, that, and dealing with the assessors.

Many times I re-ran the scene in my mind, wondering why I didn’t just say no to the fried fish. I hate deep frying things, but did it to please my husband who was really craving fried fish. Baking is so much easier. For the first 2-3 days I kept wanting to go back like it was bad dream, and of course couldn’t escape from the reality that there it was, kitchen still damaged; fire happened. I wanted to move on and get back to life as normal, but found that I couldn’t because I’m not suppose to clean the kitchen and I have no stove to use, and I still have to deal with assessors, contractors, etc. Not knowing what they assess the damage to be and if the insurance will cover all of it is the most anxiety provoking part.

I’ve been asking God why he let this happen. Will He work out a secret blessing in it, or will it be another hardship we have to endure for awhile?

We have already been under considerable durass and hardship with Steve losing hours at his job and now another half week. He did go back to work lastnight and I was so thankful. It was another miracle that our computer sitting in the dining room next to the kitchen wasn’t damaged. This is actually another older computer he got to work because the other computer we had broken down and was sent off to be fixed. Luckily even though it was nearly a year old, it was still covered by warrenty. In the mean time I lost my printer/scanner and my Corel painter 12 because this computer does not have enough memory to use them. We also lost a tv set which went bad a couple of months ago, so we have been stripped in a lot of ways, even though I don’t usually watch much tv, except a few hours a week.

I also had the commissioned piece, the Almond blossum menorah lampstand from Exodus 25 which lived through the fire, too. It was sitting on the dining room table. It did not get damaged at all. I was able to work on it quite a bit the day after the fire to finish it up and sent it off for approval as I told her I would try to have it done on Tuesday, but was delayed by the fire itself that day. I had wanted to finish it on Tuesday, the day of the fire, but had no lighting until the next day, except Christmas lighting. Isn’t that amazing? All the power downstairs went off except for the Christmas lights on the Christmas tree, the lights on my nativity scene, and the lights hanging from the walls in the living room. It was a bit surreal, like God saying my presence and goodness remain despite catastrophe.  She approved the almond blossum menorah lampstand painting and now I’m just adding extra special touches like painting the back and writing the full scripture of Exodus 25 for her on the back. She was going to write it herself, but I just wanted to bless her. Maybe in another entry I’ll post the picture and write more about the story. I feel God really moving in the almond blossum themes as well as in the theme of the lampstand. She has been doing a Beth Moore study of the lampstand which was why she wanted it. I have since found the study on-line for free and have started it.

I am asking God is it a coincidence that as I painted this we had a house fire? Was Satan trying to destroy it, or perhaps God was speaking a message about the purification process? Or about his protection? Either way, I think the spiritual implications of the painting go even deeper considering what it lived through. I’m still waiting to hear more from God on this.

In the meantime, I’m reminded to trust in his goodness and mercy. He is faithful. I have to trust that He will work things out for us. What would I do without God? My husband would be dead and I would have no place to live.

 

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More Biblical study on suffering

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

Bible Study Course Lesson 4: Why Does God Allow Suffering? How do we reconcile anguish and suffering with the Bible’s portrayal of a loving God?

I found this to be a very good bible study on understanding suffering. I went through the entire study today, and slowly but surely I am coming to a  greater understanding and clearer perspective on suffering. This seems to confirm everything God’s shown me so far.

I had a nice personal word from the Lord lastnight that my season of trial is almost over. He is working a greater purpose in the suffering, building my character so that I can carry his anointing.

I continue to contend that my present sufferings do not compare to the greatness and glory of His presence.

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Trusting in God’s goodness despite lack.

Posted on December 23, 2011 by

We have no money for Christmas this year. We’re struggling just to pay our rent and bills. I tried really hard to divert this because I saw that if Steve transferred jobs when he did it would cause a strain financially. But I couldn’t get him to wait on it. Then I tried to work extra to compensate for it, I even cashed in a bunch of paid vacation, but still with all the extra money I was making, it still wasn’t enough. On top of the strain of him losing days at his old job due to his health and the strain of transitioning jobs, we had a lot of financial crises with our breaks needing to be fixed and immediately afterwards our battery going dead. The batttery was about $100. We did get help on the breaks which I was so thankful for. Then on top of the strain from going from a $12 an hour job to minimum wage, Steve has not worked very many hours (about 8 in 2 weeks), precisely at the time he should have been working the hardest. He says he couldn’t get the hours. I suspect some video-game playing got in the way. I’ve really had to constantly turn over my anger to God. When I would bring up my concerns prior to Steve he would say God will work it all out and I should just trust in Him, but God doesn’t always compensate you, if you are suffering because of your own sins or lack of effort-which is what I suspect we’re suffering from.

One thing I realized is that there comes a point where you just have to let something go and stop trying so hard to make it different. You just have to accept. Once you do this you can have peace.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it wasn’t for my 16-year-old who doesn’t seem to understand. I decided that maybe I could spare $30 and trust perhaps I will make enough extra in my next paycheck to pay the rent, but we are about $400 short. It’s his paycheck that normally pays the rent and my paycheck pays all the bills, appointment costs, and food and gas, etc.

Nina blames God for allowing all this to happen. I tried to tell her that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but that He doesn’t always give us everything we want. He knows what He is ding, and we just have to trust Him. She is very angry/upset, and it has made it very difficult for me. I’ve been a little depressed.

I know that regardless, God is still good, and that he’ll still take care of me regardless because I am following Him. I trust that whatever we go through is in God’s perfect will.

I can always be thankful that he does help us with our bills and expenses, and so far we’ve always had a roof over our head and at least one meal a day. We even have a beautiful Christmas tree and nice Christmas decorations to celebrate the occasion, which always cheers me up regardless of how stressful the season gets.

I always think of Jesus when he was born, how he had nothing. He was born in a manger to the poorest of the poor, Mary and Joseph. Their life was not easy, but it was blessed by God. He took care of them, even though they had very little. Yet, despite not having anything the occasion was so spectacular because a Savior was born. That same Savior still saves me today. He makes all things work out in my life.  Without him, my life would be in shambles. Without him there would be no hope. But with Him, anything is possible! He is the God of hope, love, and all things beautiful. I trust in his unending goodness!

There are so many out there who have even less than us this Christmas, so many just huddling over a fire trying to stay warm, who not only don’t have Christmas presents, but don’t even have a warm roof over their heads or the comfort of a bed. So many don’t even have family or people who are supportive or who love them. I have so much to be thankful for.

I will continue to trust in his goodness.

Update on 12/24/11: We decided to return a vacuum cleaner that wasn’t working right and we got cash for it instead. So we got about $99 cash. I gave that to Nina to spend on her presents, plus the $30, we gave her, because she said she would like to have cash this year. Plus she had $30 from last weekend because we thought she might be going into residential so we started celebrating early, but that decision was postponed until January 4th. So she had about $150 all together which is not bad for a struggling family, but not really enough to make her happy because she wanted a new cell phone because hers broke, a new tv because hers broke, and a stereo surround system.

She did spend the majority of the first 30 on me which was so generous. I laughed and cried I was so  touched.

Even with the next batch of money she thought of me and bought us a drinking glass set for $10 which is such a great deal. She does back and forth between being peaceful, calm, and accepting, to being angry and demanding.

Now, she’s angry because there’s no gifts under the tree, but I told her with the cash that’s all we had. Really, that’s alot considering where we are financially.

We will get through this, but it is not the most pleasant Christmas for us. I have been busy trying to figure out how I will pay the rent. I figure out the bills for the next month and try to anticipate my paychecks. I’m stressed because I worry if my husband will continue not to work very many hours. We will not be able to survive and we will go under financially. We have about 3 more bills since he last was unemployed.

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Update for 12/15/11

Posted on December 15, 2011 by

Decided I would try to make a quick update.

Artwise: I have put my Christmas cards on hold to work on the commisison Almond Blossum Menorah painting. I am having a hard time gettign it to be the exact color of the original one. i have added several layers of colors and coats. It is close. It seems like it is coming out too turquoise. my lightening must be bad in my house, so i can’t tell exactly ’till after I scan it. Now, it is a little too dark, but I am getting closer. I am putting glazes on it. There’s also a layer of tissue paper because I thought it  would closest to the original watercolors painting. This is in acrylics. This is the first time I’ve done acrylic glazes. I also started my drawing and have about half of it done.

My brother’s sunflowers painting is also on hold. I went to michael’s and got a frame for him which was the closest I could find to that art piece on black stone. It is brown, but perhaps I could paint it. it is also a larger size than the original. i wanted to talk to him about it, but I can’t get a hold of him.

Personally: My daughter’s big day was today, but ultimately the decisions regarding her future and possible residential got postponed until January 4th. I suppose God answered her prayer and mine. So she will be with us for Christmas. That is good, but I will have to take yet another day off work. I came prepared with all kinds of paperwork, including a letter from her therapist. I was told by a person today that there is a good chance she could end up in residential, even though the city I live in does not support it. It seems like there’s three of us who are seeing eye to eye on this. If God wants it to happen, it will happen. It’s in God’s hands. That was encouraging news for me. I was told that I’m proactive and a good advocate.  I feel peace from God, and have had a lot of confirmations about the direction where going in. I’m trying to speak on this issue without saying too much. My daughter is very mad at me right, now about this, and does not feel there is a  problem. She’s busy taking polls from her friends and people she knows about whether or not she needs residential.

I took a very long nap today after the appointment. I was so tired. I guess its all the stress. We were up very early today. Nina decided to die her hair bleach blong late lastnight/early morning, and I stayed up worrying about it because there’s already quite a bit of red in it. Last time she did that it turned Ronald Mc Donald orange. She loves to die her hair, and dies it about once a month it seems. It did turn a little orangey and she went to her big appointment that way. She has since used another die to tone it down a bit, and it is more a light strawberry yellowy blonde. She likes it, but it is still a  little on the brassy side, although not as much. Her hair is naturally dirty blonde, but it hasn’t been that color for a couple of years, now.

I will probbaly take a break and head to bed, now.

 

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