A Mother’s Prayer for Mental Illness

Posted on May 14, 2012 by

I came across this prayer in my therapist’s office today by an anonymous author. It was very touching and filled me with tears. I am going to re-write and quote the prayer but change the pronoun he to she/him to her, etc. I think it might touch somebody else.

A Mother’s Prayer for Mental Illness

As I stumble from my bed this morning, help me to remember to be gentle and kind.

My child’s mind is shredding into a million pieces. She lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in her eyes. Give her peace.

Guide me as I hold her in my arms. Help me to know what to say. What to do. Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.

Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears. My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry. Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child. Help me to find someone I can safely bring it to.

Help me answer my family’s questions with the same amount of compassion i would want for myself. Help me to remember that they are hurting too. this is an unwelcomed assualt on the entire family. My heart is not the only heart that is broken. We all need time and eachother to heal.

As my journey becomes more and more isolative and lonely, remind me that the lack of involvement on the part of family and friends is not always because of the stigma and the ignorance. For many, it is because they are hurting, too. They have the privlege of turning to their own lives. This is my family’s life now. I must deal with it whether I am hurting or not.

Send me your best physicians and healers. Give me presence of mind, as I walk through the exhaustion of my grief to not settle for just anyone no matter how tiresome the journey becomes.

Help me to adjust to the idea, that although it appears my daughter is gone, there will be no goodbye. And that she is still inside somehwere waiting for us to find her.

Infuse the creative part of my mind with solution oriented thinking. Give me hope. Even if it is just a glimmer og hope. A mother can go for miles on just one tiny glimmer. Let me see just a flicker of the sparkle of joy in her eyes.

Guide my hands, calm my mind, as I fill out the multitude of forms for services. Then help me to do it again over and over.

Provide me with the knowledge. Lead me to the books I need to read, the organizations I need to connect with. As you work through the people in my life, help me to recognize those that are here to help. Help me trust the right ones. Shine a light on the right path.

Give me the courage to speak my truth; to know my daughter’s truth. And to speak for her when she is unable to do it for herself. Show me when to do  for her what she is not capable of doing for herself. Help me to recognize the difference.

Help me to stand tall in the face of the stigma; to battle the discrimination with the mighty sword of a spiritual warrior. And to deflect the sting of blame and faultfinding from the ignorant and the cruel.

Preserve my love for my family. Shield my marriage with the wisdom of the love that brought us together.

Protect her from homelessness, loneliness, victimization, poverty, hunger, hopelessness, relapse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cruelty, and obscurity.

Lead us to the miracles of better medications, better funding, better services, safe and plentiful housing, meaningful employment, communities who care, enlightenment.

Most of all, give me the strength to deliver whatever I can to the work of unmasking the man-made ugliness of this disease and revealing the human and all of its suffering beneath

Finally, when it is my time to leave my daughter behind, send a thousand angels to take my place..

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Lovelite-Nearness

Posted on May 6, 2012 by

Discovered a new Christian band today called, Lovelite. They are good. They’re a pretty new band…can’t get them on my Janga yet.

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New Beginnings

Posted on May 6, 2012 by

I am entering a new chapter in my life. I’ve been in a transitional phase for awhile, going from the old mindset, old problems, towards healing, integration of memories, peace, and joy, etc. This has not been a surface healing I have been going through but a deep to the core all compassing healing; not just me, but my family, my relationships, my finances, my environment, etc. God doesn’t do a halfway job. If you let him he’ll take you to your complete healing.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)

“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience [endurance]. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”   (James 1:2-4)

I always paid attention to that end statement on James,” lacking nothing”-Not all versions say that, but I really like the NIV version which does. “Lacking nothing” means He is taking us to a place of abundance where  truly we will not lack because of the process we have gone through spiritually. We will have learned to be content (and joyful) with little or with much (Philippians 4:11). Spiritually speaking the “much” that we have will make up for anything we don’t have physically and will give us joy despite the circumstances.

I know God sometimes does this process (of allowing us to suffer the loss of material things)  so that we can let go of material things and learn to be content in him alone, and also God sometimes lets our faith be challenged in scary situations and in times of personal loss so we will learn to trust him. During this trial we will see exactly what our level of faith is, what we really think about God, what we truly believe, what we have been trusting in, where our priorities are…then God will come along and correct our wrong priorities and distortions and there will be healing…That is if we accept the process and let go, and trust God versus rebelling. Then we will discover a deeper level of his love for us, and we will have a deeper revelation of the way God works which will create peace in us.

During this time God will also teach us spiritual warfare so we will not have to suffer unnecessary  loss, so we can keep our hedge of protection around us. He will show us the connection of sin in our lives to losses where it exists, if it does…as not all loss is caused by our sin. But if He does show us something and we repent, God will correct that area of our life and bring healing…As we become more whole and our perspectives more aligned with the Truth of who God is, who we are in Him, the life He created us to live, then we will walk in ways which will produce more abundance in our life. He gives us his WORD (the Bible) so that we can have an abundant life an come to know him and His Truth.

So I don’t believe we are destined to live a life of loss and deprivation so that we can grow our faith, but that God takes advantage of times when we are suffering loss brought on by the Enemy so that He can teach us and help us not to suffer so much in the future. God destined us to live a life of abundance, but sometimes we lose out due to our ignorance as well.

My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. (Hosea 4:6)

It seems a little preaching came out of me today…Never know what God will do, but back to my life…this is the process God is taking me through. It’s been hard, but I’m not going to regret it because where He’s taking me will be beautiful. I really believe that God not only has spiritual prosperity for me in the future, but also physical prosperity. But why would He allow me to have such things if it destroyed my faith? No, God loves me too much. First, He’ll prepare me and make me ready and mature enough to handle it and not lose sight of the things He has shown me or taught me.

I feel that God has been nudging me to sort of “let go” of old things to make room for the new. He has been speaking this to me for about 2 years or longer, now. I mean this literally as well as psychologically and spiritually. Now, He’s finally brought me to a place where I see why He has been nudging me so much to get rid of things, let go of things, etc.  To be honest with you, He had to work some things out in me to where I trusted Him enough to let go of what I had…that I wouldn’t just go without…but that He would be bringing me new things. He finally brought me to that place…I am ready..and its perfect timing…I am delighted to get rid of things to see what God has in store for me.

It is finally time for us to move. We have been renting this apartment for about 4 years now I think. They still have not done anything about the fire and its not 100% safe here, not to mention there are plumbing issues which have never been resolved after several years. Our lease is up in June. We are trying to live within our means, which means we want our expenses to stay the same or go down…as we are staying in one of the cheapest possible apartments. It was a bit of a challenge to find a place where our expenses wouldn’t go up since we were already kind of at the bottom with 750 a month and water/sewage/trash/gas paid for and AC/Heat paid for-included in the rent. But they changed the heat from gas to electric so we are paying for our heat, now. We didn’t want to give up our cat, either. My husband insisted on having at least 1 1/2 bathrooms because of his IBS. That is where we got stuck because there was no place that had all those things within our price range…so we would either have to give up the cat or the extra bathroom. I thought of a solution, though…a porta potty…just for emergencies. I was so proud of myself for thinking of that, but God gave me the idea. This is how much we love our cat. My husband was satisfied with the idea…so we finally got unstuck and I found a place the Holy Spirit nudge me with every time I was doing research and came across it. My husband wasn’t on board at first, but with some tough persuasion he finally decided to look and then he wanted to apply and put down the holding fee the same day…the same day he had been earlier protesting. You might think this is wrong of me, but I threatened to go without him and apply without him, and live there without him because we only have a month to be moved by and I did not want to have to go up in our expenses or end up being homeless because we didn’t find a place…and part of the problem was that he just didn’t want to get out of bed. But this place is much smaller, almost half the size, but it is nicer, in a  nicer neighborhood, has update appliances, hardwood floors, a washer dryer included and water/sewage trash included with the rest. It is $770 plus 15 a month for pets, which brings the total to 785, but with the washer dryer included we will not have to spend 40 a month or more on laundry so we will actually be saving $5 a month. It was featured in one of the newspapers as one of the best places to live. So I figure we will be getting rid of at least 50% of our things. We have a bunch of junk anyway. All our furniture is old and in need of replacement.  Our bedroom furniture in particular is in bad shape and all needs to go completely. We have 2 old couches….My red couch is approximately 17-18 years old. it held up and looked pretty for a long time. It was a $1,000 couch at that time before my daughter was born, but now it sinks in badly and has a couple of places where the stuffing sticks out. We use couch covers which are also in need of replacement. I’ve got two kitchen tables, one small one with the leaf taken out in our eat in kitchen, but another bigger one in the dining room we eat off of and i also use for art. I will probably have to get rid of it because we won’t have a dining room, but simply another eat-in kitchen. Both table were given to us, the one was new when i got it. I have some nice end tables and coffee tables which just need to be re-done. I wouldn’t get rid of them because the cherry wood is nice…They were given to us, too. My entertainment center is junky and came from someone else’s discarded stuff. It’s a little flimsy and might not make a move anyhow. I have a beautiful dining room hutch a rich neighbor gave us once, but one of the cabinets was kicked in…I’m not sure if it can  be fixed. It’s probably worth some money, made out of good wood…I use it for decorations, and some dishes, etc. I’m not sure if i’ll keep it or not, but if we give it away it’ll probably be to one of our neighbors who refurbishes furniture. I’m not sure if it will fit in the new place. And we have tons of clothes we will be giving away. It actually feels good to just git rid of stuff…As we fix our family we need an environment that reflects it, and not reminds us of the brokenness we use to have.

Marriage therapy is next…I’m going to work on my enabling behaviors. There is a  systematic and thorough healing God is doing in my life.

I might be too busy to do a lot of updates, but we will see.

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Relief! Personal update for 4.25.12

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

I found out that my daughter got approved for her disability today. I applied on September 27th, 2011 and it got approved April 18th, 2012. That is a relief! I was a little worried she wouldn’t get approved because she is starting to do better, now. She will be 17 in August. She is in GED classes, gets 5 hours of in-home therapy per week, and this past week she started with mentoring services, gets 5 hours per week. She’s already passed her GED practice tests, but before she can be tested the curriculum requires 40 hours of community service. She has 3 so far and the mentor will hep her get some, too. It’s kind of a double-edged sword. Its tough to accept needing something like that, but at the same time, if you really do then it can really help make things more manageable. My husband’s loss of income will work in our favor when it comes time to deciding how much she will qualify for. When she turns 18 she could transfer to adult disability-which is easier to get then if she had waited to apply until she’s an adult. She can always outgrow it, too.  But since we’re struggling in large part because of the disability, it’ll be nice to have something to make it easier. Also, we can use the back payment to go towards a cosmetology program or some other vocational interest.

We are looking for a new place to live by the end of June. That is work in and of itself.

Oh, by the way God’s working all the finances out…He has his ways!

Feeling a bit more encouraged today.

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Strength to go on…dreaming of the future God has for me.

Posted on April 21, 2012 by

What misery is mine! I am like one who gathers summer fruit at the gleaning of the vineyard; there is no cluster of grapes to eat, none of the early figs that I crave. (Michah 7: 1)

I’m feeling a little down today. It’s the lack of finances and the stress. I shouldn’t let lack of money get me down, at least we have enough to survive, but I can’t help but think of all the things I’m missing out on in life. If I had money I could enjoy the area I live in so much more. There’s always restaurants I want to explore, shops I wish I could buy things at, boating excursions I dream about, museams I would like to see, etc. There’s a new movie I want to see, “The Lucky One.” It’s from the same makers as The Notebook and The Vow which were some of my favorite movies, so I’m destined to like this movie. I guess I’m just a romantic sap at heart. My daughter wants $30 to go out on a date…I told her guys should be paying for her… and we’re about $50 shy of paying the rent if my next paycheck is what I think it will be.

I developed a system where I can figure out my next paycheck with the hours I’ve worked, including shift differentials, minus medical and dental insurance and flex spending and 401k, etc.,etc…The one factor I’m usually off on is taxes since its never consistent. So I estimate 18% taxes, but if my paychecks on the lower side it can be closer to 15% and if its on the higher side it can be as much as 20%. I got this all set up on an excel worksheet so I can just plug in the numbers and it will figure it out for me, including the amounts going into each of my accounts. The reason I do this is because we can never just relax about spending money, and it usually takes thinking ahead and problem solving to pay the bills. For instance, if I’m going to be short on rent I can send in a reimbursement from my medical flex spending to cover a dental appointment I paid for since my flex card doesn’t work on dental appointments.

I think all together we’re running about 200 more in expenses…not counting student loans…compared to the income were making…I have a talent for making things float and surviving under these situations with the help of God, but they can’t go on forever or we will go under. My husband quit his good paying job to stay at home with my daughter to offer more supervision and so we could more easily accommodate the in-home services, etc…But he lost about $1200 worth of income per month. He is working from home, but having a hard time getting hours…only pulling in about $120-150 per paycheck. I think I make close to that amount in a day. I once made it for 8 months while he was unemployed prior to the good job he had prior to this one, but we were getting food and gas cards from church and they can’t really do that anymore, nor do I want to keep taking them. I never stopped thanking God for that job. Anyway, my daughter should be really close to getting her disability…I applied September 27th…they were waiting on paperwork from the new providers and that’s been sent in. When that comes in, that can offset some money we lost…I’ll have to work with the care manager to figure out what’s fair.

We’re looking at plain rice for dinner this week, everyday. I have a budget of 152 for food and gas per 2 weeks, but it seems we use that up the first week and then we eat hardly nothing good the second. We have a lot of canned goods, some oatmeal left, some overly ripe bananas, bread, a few eggs, and some peanut butter, so its not like we’re starving or anything. I buy the big 20lb bag of jasmine rice and it lasts us a couple of months…We mostly ate rice after the kitchen fire because the oven was destroyed…and we just had a rice maker and a crock pot. Since then, we have been given a wok and a toaster oven…Praise God for his provision! We still don’t have a new oven, but we discovered the oven really does work…its just not really safe to use. We are looking at moving sometime this June since we feel the apartment didn’t really fix anything at all and its not 100% safe…there’s electrical shortages and things like that. We don’t use the kitchen light anymore…because it goes on and off on its own. We have a little lamp plugged in that we use. The downstairs bathroom light never goes off which is a little strange. I actually cleaned up alot of the kitchen and the stove, etc, myself so that it is usable.

It’ll be nice to move into a new place, but last time we moved most of the work was on me, and it was extremely stressful. We’ve already identified a place we’d like to stay. We just have to apply. What’s hard is that we stay in almost the cheapest type of place you can get. There’s not a whole lot of choices out there, because most places are more expensive. There’s only a few places cheaper, but we’d have to give up or cat and go down to one bathroom, plus live in a place that could be drug filled. Not a good idea…so we decided on a place that’s only $30 more per month…its actually in a much better section of town. I just got a pay raise of 3% which was based on my performance. That’s the best you can get. It would amount to close to $50 extra a month so that should take care of it, plus take care of the extra $20 a month our car insurance is going up since Steve got in the auto accident this past year (I think around October) and totalled the second car we tried to get…within the first week. We still owe $100 on that car and then it will be paid off.

I lost 15 lbs, 10 of it since the fire…I’m trying to figure out if its because of all the rice I’m eating and the lack of the stove, the fact that we’re not eating as much…I eat about 2 meals a day to conserve food. Or maybe I’m burning up alot of calories in my theophostic sessions since the memories are so intense. I just thought of that recently. I guess either way, it’s good. I went from 162 at the most to about 145, now. Which is weird because on the scale I went down from the 150 notch back to the 100 notch. I haven’t been at that notch for several years. I guess I could stand to lose up to 10 more, but after that I might start looking too skinny. Already, it seems like my clothes are fitting really loose on me. I have no money to buy new clothes, and in fact we never really have. God just supplies my clothes. Our clothes budget just went to Nina every year. God has been giving me nice things lately which I appreciate. Its really supernatural the way he supplies clothes for me, usually hand-me downs, but I got a couple of new things lately, unworn hand-me downs, and things like that.

I think I might encourage my husband to find another work at home job, because this one just isn’t cutting it.

Even though we’re going through tough times, I know deep in my heart its not going to be forever…and that’s what gives me the strength to go on.

But as for me, I watch  in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear  me. Do not gloat over me,   my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him,  I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until he pleads my case and upholds my cause. He will bring me out into the light;  I will see his righteousness. Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, “Where is the Lord your God?” My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled  underfoot like mire in the streets. The day for building your walls  will come, the day for extending your boundaries. (Micah 7:7-11)

Who is a God  like you,  who pardons sin  and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever  but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us;  you will tread our sins underfoot  and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. You will be faithful to Jacob, and show love to Abraham, as you pledged on oath to our ancestors in days long ago.  (Micah 7:18-20)

 

 

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The Father

Posted on April 19, 2012 by

The Father

 

This represents us, the cub, under Father God’s protection (the lion.) Note how the cub is nestled under the father’s mane. It looks as if the lions are on a piece of burning wood with fire rain coming down, but the cub is protected and is able to withstand whatever happens in the world due to the father’s love, protection, and companionship. There is peace and everything is well in the Father’s love. Instead of representing adversity, the orange could also represent God’s holy fire working to purify us. It could even represent both, since God often purifies us through our trials, even though he doesn’t cause the bad things to happen. If we let him, he can work it out for our good to benefit us. No matter what, we don’t have to worry about it because Father God has it all under his control. He loves us and that love will become the catalyst for the changes that are needed.

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“Anticipation Kaleidoscope” and personal update.

Posted on April 19, 2012 by

Anticipation Kaleidoscope, 4.18.12


 
These kaleidoscopes always help me de-stress and release my feelings. They’re sort of easy to make compared to other things which allows me a sense of instant gratification-within about an hour. Today, I learned a little bit more about how to use the kaleidscope toolbar so I could make more than 3 planes.

I titled this kaleidoscope, “Anticipation Kaleidoscope” because i feel like I’m coming around the corner into a new season. Of course, there’s going to be a transitional phase. How long that lasts, I’m not sure, but I’m expecting good things to come.

I’ve been seeking the Lord for direction and answers, for timing issues, and so forth. I believe God showed me why I was struggling. God would show me something to come, partially, or give me a partial revelation, and then my natural analytical self would figure out the rest of it and then think God told me all of it. Then when it wouldn’t happen the way I expected, I would feel crushed and disappointed, and most importantly, not trust my ability to hear God. God told me that He chooses to only tell me things in part, because he wants me to learn how to trust him, and to stop trying to figure everything out.  I suppose I’ve never been much good at not trying to figure things out, because my security would come from what I figured out. Bingo! So God showed me that my security should only be coming from Him, not from the way I think my life should go. It’s a matter of learning how to rest in Him. I would get so mad and frustrated, but i could se God looking down on me with a gentle smile, when I’m connected to Him the way I should be. Otherwise, its harsh disapproval and criticism.

Once in awhile I like to go through old journals and compare my life then to now to just see if I’ve progressed any. Although alot of my struggles I’ve had for years, I can see the ways in which I’ve made some changes and areas where I’ve received a degree of victory already. Whenever I feel stuck I like to remind myself of those kinds of things.  Change doesn’t always come quickly, but slow steady change can help you get to where you want to go, and should not be undervalued.

Without going into too many details, things are coming along for my daughter Nina. She is in GED classes, and created her first resume this week. In 2 days she’s filled out about 30 on-line applications and seems really motivated to get her first job. I’m thankful for the in-home services 5 hours a week and see that it is helping. She’s also approved for 5 hours of mentoring per week and she met her mentor for the fist time today and said, “She’s cool!” I’m starting to feel more relief, less worry, etc.

As far as theophostic goes, I felt like I kind of reached a plateau where I got a little stuck. It seemed like for the past few memories I only got them about halfway. Ever since that one super intense memory where I was crying uncontrollably and felt intense jaw pain, etc, I’ve been struggling. BTW, the dentist said I probbaly did aggrivate a nerve in my jaw during the memory by violent gagging/throwing up so what I experienced wasn’t just a memory, but a physical response, which made me more encouraged that not all my memories have to be that painful. But also, I figured out that most of my migraines and pain in my mouth that I visited the dentist for that particular week that came prior to the abreaction was related to the memory. It has since resolved and has not come back. He ended up giving me $20 toothpaste for sensitive teeth, but I don’t need that right, now. Funny, how connected our memories are to our bodies, when they can cause such real physical pain.

We’re getting into the trickier, harder memories. There was one week about three weeks ago that I positioned myself on the floor, but could hardly get anything substanial. I figured out then it was because I had had an overwhelmingly stressful week, a 2 hour family session prior to theophostic, and some stomach issues going on, and my body, mind, and emotions were spent. He made the observation that my life is always stressful and doesn’t usualy stop me, so the next session we dealt soley on the resistance. Now, that is complicated! This is where I have to accept the fact that I have fragmented parts that guard the memories. I don’t have total spit personalities, I don’t lose track of time, or any of that business, but I’m kind of inbetween a fine line here between PTSD and DID NOS. I’ll just say its complicated PTSD…Thank God he doesn’t diagnosis me. This is where its tricky because I can say, “Let’s go for it,” and have every intention of healing and getting well and choosing to look at a memory, and they’ll be a part inside of me that doesn’t agree; that’s resistant. My first tactic was to try to force that part to get on board. That didn’t work out too well. So he tries to communicate to that part and then I have to see if I can listen to see what the response is, which is a little like trying to hear a wall talking to you. It’s not like I hear voices telling me what they’re saying. More or less, I have to go with what my gut instinct is. So it’s hard for me to communicate with a part of me that I feel has never really been communicated with. It’s kind of like those memories are in locked rooms with guards standing outside them. They’re pretty viscious, or pretend to be, and I’m usually scared to even be trying to communicate with them. They don’t trust my therapist or even God for that matter, but yet they have to give permission for me to access a memory they are guarding.

Trigger warning….

When I enter the room it is dark. None of it seems real. I saw something  in one room which was really strange, almost like a torture devise table. Then I thought, this must be something I saw in a movie. My Dad did force me to watch snuff films, which is a whole other abuse topic-that gives you an idea of what kind of mind he had and what type of abuse I am dealing with. I never got that memory.

So after communicating with them for one session and trying to get past my resistance, I noticed a higher level of anxiety for the next 3 days. I did have a little more success in my last session, though, but I was back to dealing with the more common memories of suffocation (nearly dying), and less bizarre abuse scenarios…with a new element added…cooperate or get beat with a  belt…I think I was 10 in that memory, so I’m getting a little older, now. I ended up cooperating eventually and then hated myself for it. He combined painful types of abuse along with more pleasurable types, causing a physical response in me…

End of trigger warning…

And so far in my memories this has been the hardest and most heart-breaking type of memory to deal  with because of how betrayed I felt by my body, because there were things I couldn’t control, etc, and because of how it made me feel about myself. And the hardest part was…no matter what God told me, I had a hard time believing him. I would give him my anger, choose to let go and forgive, myself, my father, my God-even though God didn’t so anything…and I’d still struggle to believe Him. but I had a really good cry, and once the inner part was addressed and talked to, this did seem to help the truth sink in deeper and I did finally feel a sense of relief. When the releaseand light comes, its really worth it.

On to more about what God has been showing me: So in the past Easter service I felt like God showed me that I have been going through a season of death-to the flesh-to my own desires, wants, and needs, etc…much like Jesus died on the cross…We have died and suffered with him-our old self-so we can also rise with Him, and be ressurected. I felt like God was telling me I’m about to be ressurected. I felt dry as a bone and so un-anointed, unprophetic, etc, but God ended up using me that night to minister to 2 people despite how dry I felt. I ended up moving out of my compassion gift in spite of myself, and then God just flowed through me…and I still ended up prophesying to one person. And this person was struggling with something I myself have gone through-well some-thing very similiar- and I saw how God had used that past situation/affliction to allow me to minister with such understanding and compassion. Then it made sense why God had allowed me to go through it. Of course, I always knew this was going to be the case, but there’s nothing like actually seeing it happen. Which is why I also share so personally on here, even though part of me is afraid, because God told me to. Perhaps just one person can benefit from reading this blog and seeing the way God has been healing me. It’s much more powerful if I allow you to see my vulnerabilities and the realness of my relationship to God.

I wondered, then, if God was saying my time of  withdrawing from the ministry was over, and I was free to make a committment with ministry again. I’m still seeking God on this. Fig Tree Haven has found another building and they are meeting once a week again and of course there’s an open invitation to go and get involved again, but I don’t want to go and overextend myself unless God says, go, so I am seeking him on that. I am still in the middle of my own intensive therapy, family therapy, etc, so I want to be sure if I do go. I don’t take any committment lightly. I consider it heavily and pray on it for awhile. It’s not about doing, but about being what God wants me to be. I’m learning to get my worth from who God says I am and not by what I’m doing, but that is still a challenge for me. fig Tree Haven is ministering to a borader range of people than just the homelss, but mostly those on the streets in the poor section of down, drug addicts, prostitutes, and children. One other reputable ministry they have been working along side of has been asking for art therapy for the children. Wow, not even knowing they knew an art therapist.

In the meantime my husband is getting hungrier to start moving and flowing more in the ministry. He really had a heart to work with the downtrodden also, and specifically with AIDs patients. We’ve never ministered together before, but I always dreamed we might one day..so we’ll see what happens, but we’ve been making some interesting connections which could really open doors for more possibilities in the future….So one step at a time!!

Posted in Art, Art Therapy, Feelings, healing, kaleidescope, Personal, sexual abuse, theophostic | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Emerging

Posted on April 7, 2012 by

Emerging

 

April 12, 2012

I’ve had a lot of my mind lately, but little free time. It seems I am always busy. I have been working on a couple of surprise paintings for friends this past 2 weeks. The piece you see here is not one of them. It is a mixed media piece titled, “Emerging.” This one was for me, the means by which I decompressed from a stressful week. To the degree I have stress is the degree I need alone time, writing, and art-making time. I need that personal nurturing time without interruptions, without attending to other’s needs, without a lot of distracting noise. I can literally feel the tightness in me begin to loosen as I spend this time. This painting wasn’t trying to be anything, wasn’t trying to look like anything; it was pure visceral, spontaneous expression. I need that like the flowers need the rain.

About Emerging: I decided on watercolors. I needed easy, free-flowing expression. I hand tore the edges of some watercolor paper. I then did my easy-going watercolor painting, even though I knew most of it would be covered up. There is something about the layered approach which just fits my needs. There is usually so much going on beneath the surface of me and I really think its cool when my paintings can allow me to express that and show that. I didn’t depict any deep dark secrets, like I have before in some paintings-when I first discovered gesso techniques-just simply some watercolor washes and brown spirals which maybe took about 10 minutes to do. Next, I covered up parts of it with torn specialty paper and tissue paper. There were some brown and beige toned paper and pastel like flower prints. I got bold with the tissue paper and added some bright reds, turquoise, yellow and whites. I adhered it all with modge podge and blew it dry. Then I gessoed over top of it, keeping it thicker in some parts and more diluted in other parts. I scratched into it then. I scratched deeply in some parts to reveal more of the hidden layers. I tore up some of the tissue paper in tiny places and discarded it I really love the texture and expression that is created when doing this. Then I used oil pastel over the gesso-Portfolio oil pastels which are my favorites. I love the oil pastels and was in one of those moods-it seems oil pastels are so good for me when I need to vent and express myself. I purposely created moodiness and contrast. I’m big into contrast. I love playing the darks against the lights. I was tempted to do another gesso layer and add some watercolors again, but I held off because I really liked what appeared so far. I decided instead to add just a hint of metallic watercolors, which didn’t have any trouble adhering because Portfolio is water soluble versus water resistant. I put a final seal of modge podge on it. Voila! I came up with a moody piece that I like and expressed my emotions.

I feel satisfied that the picture expresses my hope and despair, my struggle with life and the serious circumstances I usually find myself in, yet my playful, whimsical side which also usually finds a way to express itself. You can see so much happening, almost the internal struggle visible on the paper, me trying to emerge into the new creation and destiny God has for me, while my past and the forces of darkness pull at me and attempt to keep me stuck. But I am emerging, and nothing in my past, in my present, or in my future is going to hold me back from God’s plans, because it’s already been predestined and predetermined. I am in agreement with it; my will says, “Yes” to God. “Yes” to his Truth. He already completed the work for me at the cross. Each year that passes this truth penetrates deeper, and deeper into my soul. The Enemy can’t win, because I discovered the Truth of this, of God’s love for me, and no force of hell could ever come against God’s love. Slowly, but surely I’m becoming more bold and confident of this. Despair is on its way out.

The darkness attempts to close its way around me, but the light is coming from the inside and working its way out. The light is revealing different things, pleasant surprises. God has buried hidden treasure inside of me and He’s waiting for me to fully discover it. I discovered some of it and am enjoying some of it (like the one talent of art skills I have; refer to the talents described in the Bible), but there is so much more yet to be discovered. The light of God is a powerful force. All the lies of the Enemy are getting exposed. Hidden traumas are getting revealed, healed, and set free. The heaviness is being removed with each lie that gets peeled off me. It looks topsy-turvy, but really things are being ordered, sorted, and organized. Every area of my life is coming into agreement and alignment with God’s will. I want nothing but His will, and I give God assess and permission to do what he wants with me and to touch and change every part of me.

I love him with an everlasting love. True worship flows from my heart because I have discovered the constancy and permanence of His great love for me outside of circumstances…and I’ve only just touched the surface of it, the hem of His garment, yet he has done so much already. I am in awe of him! I want more of Him! His great love for me pulls me closer like a magnetic force I can’t escape. I don’t want to escape. This life is only but a breath to Him, and in an instant I will be with Him. I will never have to hurt again. Oh, how I want to be with him. He satisfies me with His presence in greater and greater degrees. His presence brings me into heavenly realms. Nothing can stop this. Nothing. He draws me closer. Each thing the enemy does, each hurt, or obstacle, or loss, he throws my way, I let God use the experience to work in me to expose faulty beliefs, sinful patterns, negative attitudes, and I find he brings me to a deeper degree of healing and deliverance, and in return my heart grows fonder of Him and my character and heart become more and more pure. God works all things for the good (Romans 8:28.) Nothing can stop this. Nothing! Nothing can take my God away from me. Nothing can separate me from His love. Satan’s days of torment towards me are numbered.

I don’t stay in this revelation on a consistent basis just yet, but I believe I will one day. I realized recently with more clarity why I have been in the wilderness so long, which to me feels like 42 years and counting…this realization came from a combination of a vision I had in theophostic as well as a revelatory vision one of my friends had at church while she prayed over me. There was a little bit of Satanic ritual abuse that I was exposed to.

I guess now would be a good time to put a trigger warning and to inform everyone I am going to go into more details regarding a particular memory. I didn’t get the memory in it’s entirety, but I got the gist of it. I also have some memories that go along with it, which were never repressed, so my exposure to the Satanic stuff is a certainty, its just the extent of my exposure is a little uncertain just yet. You can look for the trigger warning at the beginning and skip over until you see the trigger warning at the end if you do not wish to see the details.

Trigger Warning…

I always knew my Mom practiced witchcraft as a young child. Exactly how many years it went on is a little sketchy, but I’m thinking about 1-2 years. I was about six in these particular memories. She would practice it in the basement. She had some books of witchcraft and perhaps a satanic bible. I came across the books lying on a pool table as a young child where she would also keep her craft items. I gave myself to God at 5 years old because I felt bad and didn’t want to be bad anymore, so when I saw these books I knew deep in my spirit that they were “bad” evil and that my Mom should not be messing with them. I knew that the books could bring demonic spirits and I was already struggling with them. I would feel an evil presence in my room from time to time and from the age of 4 and on I had nightmares, often with demons trying to visit me or possess me. My brother would literally see the demons and hear the demons (whereas I only saw them in my dreams and sensed them.) To follow the books suggestions, she painted the walls black and buried things in the back yard. I’m pretty sure she also had a cauldron in which she made up special concoctions. She called this “white magic,” and believed that it was not demonic because she was trying to cast “good spells” of fun, positive things. I knew better. Maybe kids do have a deep spiritual sense, but I wasn’t fooled the way she was on this. However, I couldn’t convince her. I did try. Her witchcraft just seemed to intensify the demonic presence in the house. My brother would hear them in the basement, moaning and groaning, and pounding on the door to be let out. The basement door was adjacent to his room door which went into the kitchen. He had another room door which went into the hallway and was close to my room. He would then get scared and come into my room, and I in turn would get scared. A couple of times they got out of the basement and came to visit him in his room, peering down at him while he was trying to sleep. This really freaked him out. I didn’t see them and didn’t want to see them, but when he came running over to my room, I would get scared that he would drag them over my way. During this time she decided to have some kind of ritualistic event where she invited a group of people over. My memory gets a little fuzzy here, but what I do remember is the Satanic circle she made in the basement with masking tape for the ritual. Small candles burned at each point of the star. I think the purpose was to perform some sort of magic. These are my clear memories-never repressed.

My repressed memories about this event emerged first in a dream where I am being molested by a group of people and flying in a panic over my body. At least I think this dream relates to this event. I always suspected it did. This is the memory I always suspected would be the worst, but I no longer think so. A couple of weeks ago in theophostic I had a partial abreaction and a partial visual of this memory; however my emotions were cut off. I spoke of it in another blog entry. In the memory or image I am lying on some sort of table or gurney. I am strapped down. I am in front of the steps. The Satantic circle is behind me. There is a hooded man by my head standing down peering over me. He is wearing a black robe, and he looks as it he is some sort of Satantic priest. I cannot see his face. There are three women standing along the side of me. They are peering down. There seems to be one man over top of me. I am confused if I am facing down or up. It seems I am facing up when I see the ladies, but facing down when the man is on top of me. I have a sense that I have been cut around my inner thigh or vaginal area and perhaps fondled. What I noticed is that everyone reached down and took some of the blood and put it on their faces as part of the ceremony. Then I felt as if the man was on top of me sodomizing me. I don’t think it’s my Dad, and then later I wonder if it’s my Dad. I guess I can’t tell, and I must be facing down at this point. This memory seems too bizarre to be true. Perhaps it a figment of my imagination, but for sure the other parts were not, and for sure, my Dad has sodomized me. That seems to happen consistently in every theophostic memory. In the memory I could not tell what happened to my Mom. I am not sure she is there. I get the sense that I am left all alone with them and that my Mom is not even in the house-but this is my house. Then again, maybe this is the part I struggled with. Is my mom there? How could she allow this to happen? Maybe she doesn’t know. Did she get duped?

Then at church this past week, one of my friends, Debra, was praying over me…I really went up to her for prayer for my daughter. She said ever since she has known me (which has probably been about 5-6 years, now) me and my family have been struggling, yet I have kept the faith. She saw that blood curses were spoken over me. She knew nothing of my abuse memories, although she does know I was abused. Immediately as she said that I then thought of my vision in the theophostic session. She said it seemed almost as if someone had offered me up to Satan as a sacrifice in exchange for something, only I was always owned by God and never available for Satan. I then told her of my memory. She said it didn’t have to be my blood. It could be the blood of an animal or something. However, other memories have blood in them as my Dad liked to use knives…he usually didn’t cut me a lot just a little because that type of sadism aroused him. She also said I didn’t need to get the full memory for god to heal me, but my therapist seems to think I need the full memory. As she spoke of how I was sacrificed to Satan but he could never get me and was unhappy with this, I then thought of all the nightmares I had growing up and especially during the 6 years I rebelled from God, especially after a second date rape, where Satan would always try to possess me in my dreams. He never could. Even as a young child I knew how to rebuke him. My paternal Grandma taught me that and some nights I would recite it all night long ‘till eventually I felt peace and fell asleep. Then she said, this is why he has come after my daughter, because he never could get me. However, he can’t get her, either, since I’m under God’s protection and she’s under me. She broke the blood curses that were spoken over me and my family.

End of trigger warning…

While my friend, Debra, from church, prayed over me and broke generational blood curses which were spoken over me and my family, I saw a whole vision of how I am to change the whole generational line, no longer a family who follows after Satan, but a family who follows after God. No longer cursed, but blessed. I realized the heaviness I carried in my spirit wasn’t just from me and the things that have happened to me, but there was heaviness from the sins of my ancestors. But God is redeeming me and my family and removing the heaviness. In one prophetic prayer council at church on another occasion another person spoke over me and said that the enemy was allowed access into my life through the trauma and abuse that happened. This is why I have experienced so much loss, struggle, and poverty. However, he saw that as I went through this healing process, which he anticipated in his spirit would take maybe two more years, that the doors would be completely shut and sealed forever, so then Satan wouldn’t have access like he did before. This means that I am on my way out of the land of slavery and even on my way out of the wilderness. Once I reach the promised land I will stay there.

If you want to know why I have such passion for God, it’s because I have seen both sides. I have lived in the realms of hell and looked at Evil square in the eye, and I have spent time in the realms of heaven through the presence of God. It is real. I have lived it. I want only to be in God’s presence. Because he has forgiven me so much and has done so much for me, I love him fervently. He has brought me through so much, and already where I am today is far removed from where I was as a child. It can only get better as He gives me more and more revelation. Again, I stress this is independent of circumstances. If I have to go through hardships a thousand more times before I am completely free from seeing God through the eyes of my hardship, I will accept it, because once God removes that distortion from me, I will be totally liberated. I am getting closer and closer to that mark. I suspect the closer I get, in all actuality, the less hardship I will experience.

Posted in Art, Art Therapy, dreams, Feelings, healing, Personal, sexual abuse, theophostic, worship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Whimsical Heart Garden Kaleidoscope

Posted on March 24, 2012 by

Whimsical Heart Garden Kaleidoscope

Today was a tough day, but isn’t it nice I can make art when the words are too hard to come by?

Posted in Art, kaleidescope | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Joy angel, version 1

Posted on March 19, 2012 by

Joy Angel, version 1, digital image

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