The Comfort of His Love

Posted on January 7, 2012 by
Falling Lights

I made this one this week and finished it up today.

 
I’m not 100% sure what it’s about, yet. It was an abstract, spontaneous piece.
 
I was feeling a tad anxious, but less so than last week with the fire and everything. I’m pretty much feeling much better by now. I find it so amazing how God has helped me with my anxiety overall. 
The fire brought all the anxiety back again, but it only really lasted for about a week, and now it seems I’m pretty close to normal. The whole episode just basically helped me understand how far God has taken me, how much He has healed me, by reminding me how I used to feel almost all the time.
 
We got our daughter approved for FAPT services. That was quite an ordeal and basically made me feel exposed and extremely vulnerable.It was like being under a microscope. It was emotionally exhausting. I basically reached out and asked for help and wrote a letter addressing some of my concerns which put a lot of things out in the open, and in some ways could have possibly exposed us to harm, however I felt it was the only way. This is where I took a big leap of faith. In some ways I think God will heal me and my family on an even deeper level because of this. It is almost impossible to get residential services where I live, so I pretty much have to give up on this, but will trust in God that He’s in control and will help our family.  We’ve had a little bit of help already and I’ve seen some positive changes, but it’s only been 2 days.There’s been times in the past that things seemed to be improving for awhile, only to fall back later again or become worse over time.
 
However, I know with time, things will get better. God gave me a very encouraging Word through a prophetic service at church this past Sunday which was deeply comforting to my soul, and basically let me know things will turn around in a few years with Nina. She will be saved and doing ministry and actually we will be doing ministry as a family. Our hearts desires will be fullfilled, and that was one of the biggest ones. Having a happy family and a beautiful house of my own are some of the biggest secret desires along with being able to fullfill the destiny God chose for me. In the prophetic word, she saw as traveling and touching the nations,
Steve as an “ambassador of love” and me being used with all my giftings, talents, and skills-which in my mind implies, art, writing, prophecy, art therapy, assessment, counseling, etc. I might have somewhat of a teaching gift, too. That would be cool for God to use everything.
 
Back to the picture: I like the colors and it seems soft. Steve thought it looked like a sunset over a waterfall. It does seem like something falling, so I decided to title it, “Falling Lights.” I suppose it represents the comfort of God’s love. It’s always there, always comforting, no matter what else is going on. He pretty much took me from a place of high anxiety and wrapped me in His love…He brought my focus back to His presence. I thought it looked liek an eye. When I think about that, I think about How He is always there, watching us, all knowing, all present. We can’t even excape His love if we try. It’s immenseIy comforting.
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The test of fire

Posted on January 1, 2012 by

Fire, oil pastel with Corel Painter X

I’ve been tested by fire in the literal sense.We had a house fire on Tuesday evening December 27th. Basically, the kitchen and some of the dining room was damaged as it was a grease fire. God saved my husband from it, although he did suffer first and second degree burns on the right side of his face. Today his face is looking considerably better. I think he is over the worst part of it. This is the second time he has escaped death in the past 6 months as he got in a major car accident sometime this past summer and basically only suffered a few scratches from that (car was totaled within first week of use-we are still paying on it, but only owe $200 more). He was actually in the fire; it was like Shadrack, Mishack and Abendico. The fire went right past him and behind him, melting the curtains behind where he was standing and blackening the walls. It did scinge his hair. I thought his head had caught on fire, but it was just the intense heat that scinged his hair. How he survived it without more severe injuries is an act of God. The simple truth is that God had/has us surounded by angels, and God protected us. We also suffered only minor personal damage, like the curtains, a coffemaker, some garland, a silk plant on top of the fridge, some ramein noodles on top of the fridge, and of course the pot. I have not asessed the full extent of possible smoke damage to my spices above the stove, my pots and pans still covered with some white stuff from the fire extinguishers, or my dishes and glasses, etc, but everything in the cabinents appears to be intact, even though the paint and enamel was burned off the cabinents.

We live in an apartment complex and have renters insurance. I still have been fighting anxiety about the whole situation. It was quite traumatic. My husband went by ambulance to the ER. As he switched jobs, he also switched insurances, so there was a small lapse in coverage for about a month, as he will be covered by me beginning today, but was not covered for the accident. So of course, I have been stressed by the expenses.

We are still living in the apartment, and finally most of the smoke smell has left. It has been a hardship not to be able to use the kitchen. We have not been visited by our insurance people yet to assess the damage, and in the inbetween time we are not supposed to use our kitchen, yet we can not afford not to use it. The fridge still works miraculously and we are saving our food in there. We still need to use a degree of dishes, and we found out our microwave worked yesterday so we have been using the microwave now, to heat up frozen meals because the stove obviously doesn’t work. We have a small trail through the white powder on the floor leading to the kitchen sink and the mirowave next to it, but we are trying our best to leave most of it as intact as possible. The fire department got there in 3 minutes and basically saved the rest of the apartment, as it could have easily been bad had they waited longer. It had already gone through the heater vent of the kitchen and out the heater vent of the dining room, melting the Green Christmas garland hanging on both walls in the dining room. I had to throw out one garland and the rameins because I was concerned they might still be flammable.

We have no extra money to go out to eat, etc, and anything we spend comes out of our rent money. We are so financially strapped at the moment. My biggest concern is not to get evicted or have some hefty bills to pay as a result.

I called my spiritual father to pray for my anxiety because it was getting close to over the top. He told me to keep giving it to God and letting go of it. This comes back to trusting in His goodness, love, and provision. I was also helped by reading back in my journal and thinking back again to how God is purifying me by having me in this pressure cooker…in essence forcing me to face every fear I’ve ever had in order that I might overcome and be free from them. We’re also dealing with the situation with our daughter, wondering if she will be sent to residential this Wednesday, January 4th. We’re looking at two major stressors this week, that, and dealing with the assessors.

Many times I re-ran the scene in my mind, wondering why I didn’t just say no to the fried fish. I hate deep frying things, but did it to please my husband who was really craving fried fish. Baking is so much easier. For the first 2-3 days I kept wanting to go back like it was bad dream, and of course couldn’t escape from the reality that there it was, kitchen still damaged; fire happened. I wanted to move on and get back to life as normal, but found that I couldn’t because I’m not suppose to clean the kitchen and I have no stove to use, and I still have to deal with assessors, contractors, etc. Not knowing what they assess the damage to be and if the insurance will cover all of it is the most anxiety provoking part.

I’ve been asking God why he let this happen. Will He work out a secret blessing in it, or will it be another hardship we have to endure for awhile?

We have already been under considerable durass and hardship with Steve losing hours at his job and now another half week. He did go back to work lastnight and I was so thankful. It was another miracle that our computer sitting in the dining room next to the kitchen wasn’t damaged. This is actually another older computer he got to work because the other computer we had broken down and was sent off to be fixed. Luckily even though it was nearly a year old, it was still covered by warrenty. In the mean time I lost my printer/scanner and my Corel painter 12 because this computer does not have enough memory to use them. We also lost a tv set which went bad a couple of months ago, so we have been stripped in a lot of ways, even though I don’t usually watch much tv, except a few hours a week.

I also had the commissioned piece, the Almond blossum menorah lampstand from Exodus 25 which lived through the fire, too. It was sitting on the dining room table. It did not get damaged at all. I was able to work on it quite a bit the day after the fire to finish it up and sent it off for approval as I told her I would try to have it done on Tuesday, but was delayed by the fire itself that day. I had wanted to finish it on Tuesday, the day of the fire, but had no lighting until the next day, except Christmas lighting. Isn’t that amazing? All the power downstairs went off except for the Christmas lights on the Christmas tree, the lights on my nativity scene, and the lights hanging from the walls in the living room. It was a bit surreal, like God saying my presence and goodness remain despite catastrophe.  She approved the almond blossum menorah lampstand painting and now I’m just adding extra special touches like painting the back and writing the full scripture of Exodus 25 for her on the back. She was going to write it herself, but I just wanted to bless her. Maybe in another entry I’ll post the picture and write more about the story. I feel God really moving in the almond blossum themes as well as in the theme of the lampstand. She has been doing a Beth Moore study of the lampstand which was why she wanted it. I have since found the study on-line for free and have started it.

I am asking God is it a coincidence that as I painted this we had a house fire? Was Satan trying to destroy it, or perhaps God was speaking a message about the purification process? Or about his protection? Either way, I think the spiritual implications of the painting go even deeper considering what it lived through. I’m still waiting to hear more from God on this.

In the meantime, I’m reminded to trust in his goodness and mercy. He is faithful. I have to trust that He will work things out for us. What would I do without God? My husband would be dead and I would have no place to live.

 

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More Biblical study on suffering

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

Bible Study Course Lesson 4: Why Does God Allow Suffering? How do we reconcile anguish and suffering with the Bible’s portrayal of a loving God?

I found this to be a very good bible study on understanding suffering. I went through the entire study today, and slowly but surely I am coming to a  greater understanding and clearer perspective on suffering. This seems to confirm everything God’s shown me so far.

I had a nice personal word from the Lord lastnight that my season of trial is almost over. He is working a greater purpose in the suffering, building my character so that I can carry his anointing.

I continue to contend that my present sufferings do not compare to the greatness and glory of His presence.

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Trusting in God’s goodness despite lack.

Posted on December 23, 2011 by

We have no money for Christmas this year. We’re struggling just to pay our rent and bills. I tried really hard to divert this because I saw that if Steve transferred jobs when he did it would cause a strain financially. But I couldn’t get him to wait on it. Then I tried to work extra to compensate for it, I even cashed in a bunch of paid vacation, but still with all the extra money I was making, it still wasn’t enough. On top of the strain of him losing days at his old job due to his health and the strain of transitioning jobs, we had a lot of financial crises with our breaks needing to be fixed and immediately afterwards our battery going dead. The batttery was about $100. We did get help on the breaks which I was so thankful for. Then on top of the strain from going from a $12 an hour job to minimum wage, Steve has not worked very many hours (about 8 in 2 weeks), precisely at the time he should have been working the hardest. He says he couldn’t get the hours. I suspect some video-game playing got in the way. I’ve really had to constantly turn over my anger to God. When I would bring up my concerns prior to Steve he would say God will work it all out and I should just trust in Him, but God doesn’t always compensate you, if you are suffering because of your own sins or lack of effort-which is what I suspect we’re suffering from.

One thing I realized is that there comes a point where you just have to let something go and stop trying so hard to make it different. You just have to accept. Once you do this you can have peace.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it wasn’t for my 16-year-old who doesn’t seem to understand. I decided that maybe I could spare $30 and trust perhaps I will make enough extra in my next paycheck to pay the rent, but we are about $400 short. It’s his paycheck that normally pays the rent and my paycheck pays all the bills, appointment costs, and food and gas, etc.

Nina blames God for allowing all this to happen. I tried to tell her that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but that He doesn’t always give us everything we want. He knows what He is ding, and we just have to trust Him. She is very angry/upset, and it has made it very difficult for me. I’ve been a little depressed.

I know that regardless, God is still good, and that he’ll still take care of me regardless because I am following Him. I trust that whatever we go through is in God’s perfect will.

I can always be thankful that he does help us with our bills and expenses, and so far we’ve always had a roof over our head and at least one meal a day. We even have a beautiful Christmas tree and nice Christmas decorations to celebrate the occasion, which always cheers me up regardless of how stressful the season gets.

I always think of Jesus when he was born, how he had nothing. He was born in a manger to the poorest of the poor, Mary and Joseph. Their life was not easy, but it was blessed by God. He took care of them, even though they had very little. Yet, despite not having anything the occasion was so spectacular because a Savior was born. That same Savior still saves me today. He makes all things work out in my life.  Without him, my life would be in shambles. Without him there would be no hope. But with Him, anything is possible! He is the God of hope, love, and all things beautiful. I trust in his unending goodness!

There are so many out there who have even less than us this Christmas, so many just huddling over a fire trying to stay warm, who not only don’t have Christmas presents, but don’t even have a warm roof over their heads or the comfort of a bed. So many don’t even have family or people who are supportive or who love them. I have so much to be thankful for.

I will continue to trust in his goodness.

Update on 12/24/11: We decided to return a vacuum cleaner that wasn’t working right and we got cash for it instead. So we got about $99 cash. I gave that to Nina to spend on her presents, plus the $30, we gave her, because she said she would like to have cash this year. Plus she had $30 from last weekend because we thought she might be going into residential so we started celebrating early, but that decision was postponed until January 4th. So she had about $150 all together which is not bad for a struggling family, but not really enough to make her happy because she wanted a new cell phone because hers broke, a new tv because hers broke, and a stereo surround system.

She did spend the majority of the first 30 on me which was so generous. I laughed and cried I was so  touched.

Even with the next batch of money she thought of me and bought us a drinking glass set for $10 which is such a great deal. She does back and forth between being peaceful, calm, and accepting, to being angry and demanding.

Now, she’s angry because there’s no gifts under the tree, but I told her with the cash that’s all we had. Really, that’s alot considering where we are financially.

We will get through this, but it is not the most pleasant Christmas for us. I have been busy trying to figure out how I will pay the rent. I figure out the bills for the next month and try to anticipate my paychecks. I’m stressed because I worry if my husband will continue not to work very many hours. We will not be able to survive and we will go under financially. We have about 3 more bills since he last was unemployed.

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Update for 12/15/11

Posted on December 15, 2011 by

Decided I would try to make a quick update.

Artwise: I have put my Christmas cards on hold to work on the commisison Almond Blossum Menorah painting. I am having a hard time gettign it to be the exact color of the original one. i have added several layers of colors and coats. It is close. It seems like it is coming out too turquoise. my lightening must be bad in my house, so i can’t tell exactly ’till after I scan it. Now, it is a little too dark, but I am getting closer. I am putting glazes on it. There’s also a layer of tissue paper because I thought it  would closest to the original watercolors painting. This is in acrylics. This is the first time I’ve done acrylic glazes. I also started my drawing and have about half of it done.

My brother’s sunflowers painting is also on hold. I went to michael’s and got a frame for him which was the closest I could find to that art piece on black stone. It is brown, but perhaps I could paint it. it is also a larger size than the original. i wanted to talk to him about it, but I can’t get a hold of him.

Personally: My daughter’s big day was today, but ultimately the decisions regarding her future and possible residential got postponed until January 4th. I suppose God answered her prayer and mine. So she will be with us for Christmas. That is good, but I will have to take yet another day off work. I came prepared with all kinds of paperwork, including a letter from her therapist. I was told by a person today that there is a good chance she could end up in residential, even though the city I live in does not support it. It seems like there’s three of us who are seeing eye to eye on this. If God wants it to happen, it will happen. It’s in God’s hands. That was encouraging news for me. I was told that I’m proactive and a good advocate.  I feel peace from God, and have had a lot of confirmations about the direction where going in. I’m trying to speak on this issue without saying too much. My daughter is very mad at me right, now about this, and does not feel there is a  problem. She’s busy taking polls from her friends and people she knows about whether or not she needs residential.

I took a very long nap today after the appointment. I was so tired. I guess its all the stress. We were up very early today. Nina decided to die her hair bleach blong late lastnight/early morning, and I stayed up worrying about it because there’s already quite a bit of red in it. Last time she did that it turned Ronald Mc Donald orange. She loves to die her hair, and dies it about once a month it seems. It did turn a little orangey and she went to her big appointment that way. She has since used another die to tone it down a bit, and it is more a light strawberry yellowy blonde. She likes it, but it is still a  little on the brassy side, although not as much. Her hair is naturally dirty blonde, but it hasn’t been that color for a couple of years, now.

I will probbaly take a break and head to bed, now.

 

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Riding the wave of His grace

Posted on December 13, 2011 by

i am riding the wave of God’s grace. Oh, how thankful I am for his mercy and favor.  It still is a hard time in my life, but I feel God so close to me, sustaining me, helping me. I really have had supernatural grace this week. I had my breaks fixed and ended up getting new front breaks, back breaks, a master cylinder, and a serpentine belt for $384. Even though the original Meinke quote for the parts and labor was $1,012. Of the $384, I got help with a  $225 check. So we ended up only paying $159 out of our own money. If that wasn’t enough, a friend came over and helped me clean on Saturday for a couple of hours. If that wasn’t enough, then I got commissioned to do another painting from a lady in Chatanooga, TN, similiar to my almond blossum menorah painting. Then, today, i went to Michael’s to get supplies and just got blessed by the cashier who gave me incredible discounts. First off, i intended to get the $.50 ribbons for my christmas cards, but had selected around 4-5 ribbons for my Christmas cards that were $2 each. instead she just charged me the $.50. She said, “shhhh…” Then I got a frame for my brother which was 40% off. Then she rang me up twice so she could give me the 50% off two items even though I had an outdated coupon. Marvelous!

I sanded the wood today and got started on my commisisoned piece. I made a background and started the drawing. I got a little tired, though…so I took a pause to do my weekly update here. then i will go to bed and do some more work on Wednesday.

I have off Wednesday. It is kind of a big day which will decide alot of things. i am trying to get my daughter into residential. I shall know more about that, then. I don’t want to say more due to her privacy, but its a super big issue. I have let it go into God’s hands and am beginning to feel the peace of God about things. I’ve had some confirmations from various people, and feel God is with me and will take care of her the best way possible.

i had an intense theophostic sesison today and worse myself out. My throat is sore from screaming. My therapist commented that it seemed more intense than normal. I didn’t necessarily think so because almost every time  (in the last several memories) I feel like I can’t breathe and might die or that it is so intense i might die. I did throw up in today’s sesison, and when I got home I noticed I had popped several blood vessels around my eyes. Although I’m worn out, I feel like a crusader. I’m feeling victorious over these memories.  Actually, I don’t think today’s memory was as tough or as painful as the last memory, even though that memory was less violent. I’m not sure I’m getting the entire memories, but I’m getting the gist of them, and I suppose that still helps.  Today, it seemed like the memory abruptly switched from abuse to another within the same abuse memory.

 

God just mostly holds my hands and helps me get through it. Today when I felt dirty, he took the dirt upon himself in exchange for his purity, which flowed out of him to me. Then I was instantly clean, white, and whole, as if the the trauma had not mattered at all. It still happened, but had no say so in who I was. Who I am is all dependent on him and what He can do. Sometimes he pours healing oil over me in a non-invasive way, but exactly where it hurts.

I came across a verse last week in Ezekiel 16:9-12 which reminded me of the process, “I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothes you with embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry. i put bracelets  on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears, and a beutiful crown on your head.”

In the scriptures God is referring to Jersualem who He did all this for, only to say that they turned their back on Him, but as I read it God showed me how he does that for us, too. We can, of course, choose to accept it and live there in that place of beauty, versus go on to defile ourselves again.The next part of the scriptures doesn’t take away what God did. God showed me as I read it what He is doing for me in my therapy. He takes my dirty garments and give me his garments of royalty. He gives me a crown. Its to say how special we really are in His eyes.  But first He had to clean the blood,the dirt, and the grime off of me. He does it in every session, and each time my deep inner being gets the light of God to shine in place of the darkness. The place of heaviness and trauma, that particular trauma, is lifted off of me. I have his healing and his grace. He’s always there to remind me how much He loves me. He loves you, too. He is no respector of persons. He can heal and clean you up, too.

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God is good and faithful.

Posted on December 6, 2011 by

I did not go to theophostic today. I had to cancel the session due to the break issue and also due to lack of funds. It was a nice break, though. The work is so intense and leaves me drained and exhausted most of the time. I made art most of the whole day and all day yesterday, too. I’ve been working on Christmas cards for my family and friends which can also serve as little pieces of art if they would choose to frame them. I think I have about 20 something cards. I am also thinking about doing 1-3 free give away cards. I’m pretty exhausted, now, though, and only two of them are done. I worked in layers, starting with gesso, scrathes, etc…while that was drying I worked on other paintings, adding  different layers, then while that was drying,  went back and painted all the dried gesso, added seran wrap and different texturizing objects, and while that was drying started more cards, doing some with torn scraps of paper and collaged items, etc. Then I added metallic paint. Some have modeling paste, some beads, etc. Then I made accessory pieces, same process. I varied my approach slightly with each card so they would each be unique. They are all abstract, texturized cards. They are approximately 5×5 inches with hand ripped edges so the sizes are slightly irregular, but close to that size range.  I would post where I am with them, but I am just too tired for that right, now, and it is getting late.

I did not sleep well last night. Stressed out about my daughter. I am feeling more peace about the money situation and about Christmas, even if by chance we don’t do presents this year.

The car was in worse shape than we thought. We got a price estimate at Meineke which came to $1,012. We only spent $800 on the vehicle, and it is our only vehicle. This was helpful. We are not in a position to squander money, so we plan to order the parts and hopefully have a friend/mechanic fix the car, which is the same person who sold us the car. We can order the parts on-line for about half the amount  they quoted us.  Also, we’ll probably pay about half in labor to our friend compared to the price they quoted us.  Let’s hope it won’t be too difficult for him or he’s able to do it quickly. If not we know another fair mechanic who will allow us to buy the parts and only charge us for the labor.

God did a miracle for us and already we have $225 on the way to use for the cost of the parts. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve God’s goodness, but I am so greatful he does bless me so much.  God does help us on a regular basis when we need it. It’s nice having a Daddy I can call on. I think I mentioned in a  previous post that the only good part of adversity is actually having God come through and show you his mercy and provision. When I mentioned to a friend that might not be able to visit next weekend because of the break situation, they asked more about it, and then decided to contribute to the cost of the parts. Awesome! I’m not too proud to refuse it because I know this is the way God works. I just pray that God would bless them generously and give them a double portion for all they give to others.

I really hope I can get my cards done on time so I can bless others with them. I’ve never been good about the Christmas card thing, but I am really trying this year. They’re small enough that I should be able to mail it with just a stamp or two.

I started my brother’s sunflower painting, but I was too tired to work on it today. It is more purposeful which is harder when I’m tired. I’ve got the composition done and also added some texture to some of the leaves and to the middle center part of the sunflower with Golden light modeling paste and beads. I think I might need to buy a few supplies for it to do it justice. I’m wondering about how or when to get that. His request was for it to match a picture our Mom got for us as a family. My brother and my sister got the same thing reminding us about the love of family. It is a black heavy plaque like art with a tree created with gold metallic and part of the trunk looks like it has crushed glass embedded in it with words written across it. I etched into the watercolor paper with a layer of gesso and scratched a similar broken glass look-not sure yet how this will work out. We’ll see. The edges are torn and irregular. I plan to lay that paper down on a black background and do some gold metallic lines around the edges similar to the lines in the artwork we all share, and try to bring a little gold into the sunflowers. So I need a metallic pen in the same shade of gold and also need a heavy type of plaque or board the same thickness, that I could also add a little stand to. Sorry, i’m too tired to illustrate. Perhaps maybe another time-maybe.

When God does something for me like what he did for the breaks, it reminds me that He still loves me and is still there to help me, which translates to helping us with my daughter’s situation, too. I have a tendency to focus on my sins thinking it removes me from His grace, but then that’s why he sent Jesus! I am so relieved about that!  It’s good to have someone love you just for you. It’s His love that pulls me in, deeper and deeper. Personally, I don’t know how people can get buy without Him. My life is absolutely dependent on Him in every kind of way, physically, emotionally, family-wise, health-wise…in every kind of way. I can’t stress enough how being forced to depend on God is such a blessing! Little by little, His love and faithfulness melts away my fear and gives me more of a steadfast security. I would never go back. Because of my abuse, I know what fear, even terror is.  I’ve lived the years of PTSD, and hypervigilance, and constant anxiety…when you just feel like something bad could happen to you, and there’s no protection; When you feel raw and exposed in an unsafe world. The difference is night and day. I’m not 100% there, yet, but each year is marked by more peace and security steadily. I guess I’ll thank God for these hard times and these hard lessons, over and over, and over, and over…as hard as they are. In some ways they are leading to me being healed and set free. God works all things together for the good!

I totally have a vision of a prosperous future, and such peace, joy, and security. How can you hate the path that takes you there?

I had a pleasant surprise visit from Jim and Mary Rudisill today. We haven’t had a sit down face to face talk for awhile. I told them (among other things) about God’s work with the theophostic sessions in healing my sexual abuse, and told them I expected a full recovery. Jim said something that made me feel really good, “If that was you when you were sick, man I’d hate to see what God does with you when your well! ” He was referring to the preaching I did to the homeless and the revelations/prophecies I got which led to people being delivered and set free. The most profound thing God showed me was in Romans about being set free from addiction. I shared this message which God really anointed, and God was setting people free from alcohol and addiction. It was amazing!

I wasn’t sick per se…I’m pretty high functioning, but what he meant was if that’s before complete healing what comes afterwards?

Only God knows, but I trust in his good plans.

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Gallery

Hope Kaleidescope

Posted on December 4, 2011 by
Hope Kaleidescope made on Corel Painter 12

This gallery contains 1 photos.

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Spam and comments

Posted on December 4, 2011 by

I’ve been getting a lot of spam comments lately which sounds good on the surface, but my hunch is that the person did not even stop at the blog-the comments are usually generic, but nice, such as I’ve been interested in this topic. Keep up the good work,”even though its just a video of someone dancing,  etc. usually the comment just doesn’t seem to fit with the post right, even though it sounds good, sort of. I’ve deleted all those comments, except for the ones I knew without a doubt were not spam. If you left a comment that was legit, and I deleted it accidentally, than email with some indication that you have actually read the blog by commenting on a particular aspect of that entry or post and I will repost it. If I did spam a legit comment, please forgive me, but my gut tells me I’m right on this.

Also for future comments, just be sure to actually comment on something particular I wrote about versus a general blanket comment that could apply to anyone’s blog. This will make it easier to sort out. I’m a little worried that this person found a way to hack into the account and send spam out to other websites from this website, because I noticed that the person uses different ip address and websites each time, but on my sitemeter the visit does not show up. Also one of my spam comments had my website admin spam free plugin section as the original source. Then you know something’s up, right?

If anyone out there has received a spam type comment from me it was not me, but the spammer/hacker. The only things these comments have in common is something about, “whois.arin.net.

Thanks for understanding.

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Still trusting in God’s goodness and Grace despite the stress of the season.

Posted on December 4, 2011 by

I am unwinding; finally have some alone time and am able to listen to soaking music without interference. I can feel my soul uncoil and begin to stretch out as God ministers to me. Inside I am a bit sad, but peaceful. I am listening to soaking.net. Particularly at the moment I am listening to Terri Geisel, Fly like an Eagle. It’s kind of funny, God keeps giving me all these flying references lately.

I did not have much luck with my Elizabeth picture, “God can heal”  (refer to previous post.) I spent an hour just looking for one of the work spaces which somehow had been clicked off and disappeared in Corel Painter 12, and I need it to begin. I think I may have devoted 2 hours to it, accomplishing literally nothing, but I did learn a little more about the Corel Painter 12 program. I found the toolbox I was missing, but I’m not sure how I got it back. Needless to say, I kind of lost my momentum for that piece. So I started  working on something that was less stressful and more instantly satisfying which was another kaleidoscope image (perhaps will be shared in the following post if I finish it tonight.).

i do have some stressful situations coming up, and some ongoing stressors I don’t feel at liberty to share, aside of the things I have been sharing. They are big stressors, but I have been giving them over to God.

The other big stressor is worrying about Christmas and finances. My husband has transitioned into a new work at home job which he started about 3 weeks ago. This is better for us and our family situations, better for his health, less taxing and physically exhausting for us as we were car-pooling before and he worked’ till 11pm at night, etc…But he lost significant income when he took the job. The most stressful part is that I can’t even get a handle on what he actually gets paid. He was making 12 an hour. With this job he is making minimum wage plus a bit more for for all the time he is on the phone, which I think was supposed to average to about $10 an hour. He used to work for the same company, but at an office. He got his first paycheck which was this past Friday, and I am not sure if it is for one week or two weeks. If it was for two weeks he’s making minimum wage; if it was for one week, we’ll be ok. He claims the first week was training which gets paid separately. I guess they will mail a check out. It took a little while to get the direct deposit.

In the meantime, I cashed in a week’s worth of PTO/vacation which was going to be  Christmas money for the family, but I had to put it all towards rent as he was losing alot of time at his other job due to his health problems, (dizziness, off and on chest pain which is skeletal/muscular in nature, stomach issues/IBS, etc.) and, he also wasn’t able to work very many hours the first week as he was just getting familiar with it, etc. I begged him to wait until closer to January to make the transition, because I could foresee that the big hit in income would affect what we would have for Christmas, but he couldn’t seem to understand. By January we’ll have the free outpatient mental health care with my new health insurance, which will help compensate for the loss of income. Until then, it’s just about 300-400 less per month. Things magically work together in my husband’s eyes, so he doesn’t foresee the problems-hardly ever-but I’m the realist which must make things work somehow, but usually its at some kind of price. He just hated his other job. The other thing about this job is that He says he can only work for 30 hours per week for three months before they let him work 40 hours.

My vacation time should be able to go towards extra things and not on basic bills because of someone else’s stubbornness, but I forgive him. And I’m thankful we can pay our rent.  There were times when things were much worse, when he was unemployed for 8 months, and it was only by God’s direction I was able to make things work and pay the basic bills-rent, utilities. All the other bills had to go. We also had to get food and gas cards from our church to be able to survive, but still sometimes I only ate one meal a day so that the rest of the family could eat more and not have to go hungry. When you’re hungry the hardest thing to see is people who waste food.

There were Christmas’s we had even less, but God always seemed to provide me with a Christmas tree, of some sort. That always uplifts my heart. We have a fake one, now because I like to set it up right after Thanksgiving and keep it up usually into February.

On top of that our breaks are going and our inspection is due this month. We also have to fix the whole tail light assembly that Steve busted out when he backed up one day. I ask myself, “Why now?” We were already stressed before the break thing…big sigh…but life goes on.

I used to get myself wrapped up in a tizzy about such things, but for some reason I do feel a  sense of peace. i surrender to the conficts and to God’s grace (also refer to the previous post about the struggle of the butterfly). There’s nothing we can do much anyway, but pray and trust God. I really feel like we are going to be coming out of one season into another season, which will be marked by more peace and less strife.

There’s nothing like the presence of God to get you through all the dark, uncertain times you go through. God is with me, and that is what’s most important. Isn’t it good of God to give me encouragement with my art during this dififcult time? I am really glad I found him, or he found me!

I heard God speak to me through someone else’s art today. Her name is Dolores Hunter DeVelde and her art is amazing, expressing the heart of God and the Kingdom of God. She gave me permission to post this.

Here was the image with the word God gave me:

“I will be there for you during the good times and the bad. I will lift you up out of despair and place you on a petal of love, for I love you with an everlasting love, deeper and greater than you can comprehend. I will send my horse, Rescue. Do not fear or worry for I am aware of your situation, watching you tenderly. I have eveything under my control. Let not your heart be troubled, but rest in me. Come up here to where I am and I will show you amazing, beautiful, miraculous things you do not yet know about. I long for you my child. I long for you to understand my love, my goodness, my faithfulness. I long for you to trust me. I will say again, I love you. i love you. I love you.”

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