This healing journey I’ve been on for 20 years feels like a war, a 20 year-war. It has left me exhausted and worn down, physically and emotionally. There have been many battles, but there have also been times of refreshing and rest. I’ve often felt angry that my life had to be so much work, that the battles have had to continue for so long. There have been times that it felt like time had gone on too long before I got my rest in-between the battles. I’ve often whined to God that it wasn’t fair, that I shouldn’t have had to go through the things I did; that it shouldn’t be so much work just to have a normal life or to feel joy or peace.
Each time I go through the memory where I re-live my abuse through my body in a theophostic session, I want it to be over, but I know it is not over, that there will be more abuse memories to go through…the child living in the memory knows the abuse is not over…it lasts for years. God doesn’t rescue me. I struggle with that each time, even though I know the reason why, because of free will (see also Galatians 4:1-7). Even though each time He shows me He has not abandoned me, and that He is also grieved because He loves me even beyond my understanding, it does not always help. I can’t have what I want, which is to not be abused…for the child not to have been abused…to not have to live through more trauma memories. I do know though, God reminds me, one day it will end. It will not last forever. One day, I will have worked through my last trauma memory and I will be free. He also reminds me that although he let the abuse happen, he is still in control. Refer to John 13:3 where Jesus knew that the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot to betray him and that he would suffer immeasurable pain, but also that this was God’s will, and that He had a bigger purpose in mind, the salvation of mankind, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God.” (John 13:3 NIV.) Satan’s allowed to do some things right now because he rules the world, but only for a little while longer. God knows everything He’s going to do and has a plan to use Satan’s tactics against him and bring good out of it anyway. God allowed Jesus to go through it, and he allows us, too, but he has a divine plan. Side note: Jesus love was so extraordinary, that he washed Judas feet anyway, knowing he would betray him (just go down a little further in the verse and you’ll see this). It’s kind of funny, but this verse brought me immense comfort and reassurance; reassurance that Satan is not getting the upper hand.
Who knows how many abuse memories there are left to work through, but I feel as though I am about 75% through. That would suggest about 6.5 years left of healing based on my current rate of speed, but like I said I feel like God is picking up the pace the closer I get to the finish line. If I was completely healed in 6.5 years I would be 49 going on 50. Actually, I want to point out that I feel like I will always be growing and healing in God so that part will never end until I get to Heaven, as I become more like Him, but I do feel like the trauma memories themselves will have been worked through sufficiently within 5 years so that I will be feeling more like a “thriver” versus a survivor.
But the part of healing I’m in now is difficult. It requires stamina and endurance. At times I feel like my strength is depleted and my healing comes to a standstill. Right now, it feels as though I have been running and battling for awhile, and I am very weary and tired. But in front of me is this huge, tall wall that I have to find a way to climb over, only I don’t have the strength. I’ve tried a few times now to get over the wall, and I couldn’t do it, I just fell back down like a complete failure. It’s humiliating!
My therapist looks at me with criticism…shouldn’t it be so simple, just make up your mind and go over, but my strength is just not there. My strategy is to rest, pray, and fast, then I will try again, which makes me look like a helpless victim because I am not going over the wall right now. But I’m not helpless…Yes, I have been victimized (currently) not physically or sexually, but in other ways, but I am gaining my strength. Yes, I get it…I can’t get around the wall. I have to climb over. I will, because when I am weak He is strong. He is my strength.
Despite appearances of the intensity of my current situations and problems, the promises of God hover over in the atmosphere, like a sweet smelling mist. No matter how discouraged or tired I feel, I can’t escape his presence, his love clinging to me like a warm, secure blanket. He’s telling me I’ll make it. Life will not always be this way. He’ll give me the strength to overcome. One day I’ll be a thriver, and not just a survivor. One day, he’ll grant me my hearts desires. When that day comes, it’ll all be worth it. He’s already told me this. There’s rewards for being able to endure the suffering and standing in faith until you reach your goal. His plans are so awesome, beyond anything I can comprehend. He’s already allowed me to see a small portion. He’s given me dreams and visions which I cling to like a life vest. I cling to his promises. Today I found one is His Word about my daughter in Acts.
“Repent and be baptized every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off- for all who the Lord our god will call.” (Acts 2:8-39 NIV)
Here’s a few other promises: (NIV)
Psalm 126:5, Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.
Isaiah 57:18-19, I have seen their ways, but I will heal them;
I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners,
19 creating praise on their lips.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
says the Lord. “And I will heal them.”
Isaiah 46;9-13, Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
10 I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.’
11 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
what I have planned, that I will do.
12 Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are now far from my righteousness.
13 I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
James 1:2-4, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:12, Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
1st Peter 1:3-9, 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1st Peter 5:10, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:27-30, 27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all[a]; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”
John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”