The wall

  By Cassandra | April 15, 2013 - 4:08 am | Bible Study, dreams, Feelings, healing, Personal, Prophecy, sexual abuse, theophostic
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This healing journey I’ve been on for 20 years feels like a war, a 20 year-war. It has left me exhausted and worn down, physically and emotionally. There have been many battles, but there have also been times of refreshing and rest. I’ve often felt angry that my life had to be so much work, that the battles have had to continue for so long. There have been times that it felt like time had gone on too long before I got my rest in-between the battles. I’ve often whined to God that it wasn’t fair, that I shouldn’t have had to go through the things I did; that it shouldn’t be so much work just to have a normal life or to feel joy or peace.

Each time I go through the memory where I re-live my abuse through my body in a theophostic session, I want it to be over, but I know it is not over, that there will be more abuse memories to go through…the child living in the memory knows the abuse is not over…it lasts for years. God doesn’t rescue me. I struggle with that each time, even though I know the reason why, because of free will (see also Galatians 4:1-7). Even though each time He shows me He has not abandoned me, and that He is also grieved because He loves me even beyond my understanding, it does not always help. I can’t have what I want, which is to not be abused…for the child not to have been abused…to not have to live through more trauma memories. I do know though, God reminds me, one day it will end. It will not last forever. One day, I will have worked through my last trauma memory and I will be free. He also reminds me that although he let the abuse happen, he is still in control. Refer to John 13:3 where Jesus knew that the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot to betray him and that he would suffer immeasurable pain, but also that this was God’s will, and that He had a bigger purpose in mind, the salvation of mankind, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God.” (John 13:3 NIV.)  Satan’s allowed to do some things right now because he rules the world, but only for a little while longer. God knows everything He’s going to do and has a plan to use Satan’s tactics against him and bring good out of it anyway. God allowed Jesus to go through it, and he allows us, too, but he has a divine plan. Side note: Jesus love was so extraordinary, that he washed Judas feet anyway, knowing he would betray him (just go down  a little further in the verse and you’ll see this). It’s kind of funny, but this verse brought me immense comfort and reassurance; reassurance that Satan is not getting the upper hand.

Who knows how many abuse memories there are left to work through, but I feel as though I am about 75% through. That would suggest about 6.5 years left of healing based on my current rate of speed, but like I said I feel like God is picking up the pace the closer I get to the finish line. If I was completely healed in 6.5 years I would be 49 going on 50. Actually, I want to point out that I feel like I will always be growing and healing in God so that part will never end until I get to Heaven, as I become more like Him, but I do feel like the trauma memories themselves will have been worked through sufficiently within 5 years so that I will be feeling more like a “thriver” versus a survivor.

But the part of healing I’m in now is difficult. It requires stamina and endurance. At times I feel like my strength is depleted and my healing comes to a standstill. Right now, it feels as though I have been running and battling for awhile, and I am very weary and tired. But in front of me is this huge, tall wall that I have to find a way to climb over, only I don’t have the strength. I’ve tried a few times now to get over the wall, and I couldn’t do it, I just fell back down like a complete failure. It’s humiliating!

My therapist looks at me with criticism…shouldn’t it be so simple, just make up your mind and go over, but my strength is just not there. My strategy is to rest, pray, and fast, then I will try again, which makes me look like a helpless victim because I am not going over the wall right now. But I’m not helpless…Yes, I have been victimized (currently) not physically or sexually, but in other ways, but I am gaining my strength. Yes, I get it…I can’t get around the wall. I have to climb over. I will, because when I am weak He is strong. He is my strength.

Despite appearances of the intensity of my current situations and problems, the promises of God hover over in the atmosphere, like a sweet smelling mist. No matter how discouraged or tired I feel, I can’t escape his presence, his love clinging to me like a warm, secure blanket. He’s telling me I’ll make it. Life will not always be this way. He’ll give me the strength to overcome. One day I’ll be a thriver, and not just a survivor. One day, he’ll grant me my hearts desires. When that day comes, it’ll all be worth it. He’s already told me this. There’s rewards for being able to endure the suffering and standing in faith until you reach your goal. His plans are so awesome, beyond anything I can comprehend. He’s already allowed me to see a small portion. He’s given me dreams and visions which I cling to like a life vest. I cling to his promises. Today I found one is His Word about my daughter in Acts.

“Repent and be baptized every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off- for all who the Lord our god will call.” (Acts 2:8-39 NIV)

Here’s a few other promises: (NIV)

Psalm 126:5, Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

Isaiah 57:18-19, I have seen their ways, but I will heal them;
I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners,
19     creating praise on their lips.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
says the Lord. “And I will heal them.”

Isaiah 46;9-13, Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
10 I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.’
11 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
what I have planned, that I will do.
12 Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are now far from my righteousness.
13 I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.

James 1:2-4, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:12, Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

1st Peter 1:3-9, 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1st Peter 5:10, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:27-30, 27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all[a]; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”

John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Works in progress related to Restoration

  By Cassandra | April 8, 2013 - 1:48 am | Art, Feelings, healing, Personal, sexual abuse, theophostic, worship
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Restoration5This is the restoration image I’ve been working on. It’s sill in progress. I painted the angel in acrylic, scanned it, and then put it over top of this digital background. I started it around October when God first started speaking to me about this season of restoration we are in. I begin to get too many ideas, and I tried to cram them all into it and got stuck. So I prayed on it awhile and God showed me this will be more like a series. So I eliminated some of the other ideas and went with just one angel. I had  2 other angels drawn for it. I wasn’t completely satisified with the face so I zoomed in and recreated it with digital airbrush this past weekend…got obsessed. It’s looking nice, but still needs more tweaking. I will probably make a clearer image and larger of mostly the angel when I finish fine-tuning her, since so much time went into her.  She’s supposed to be swiming in God’s Glory, like a liquid presence. She’s handing us a gift, God’s gift for us…our new season of healing and deliverance.

Yes, I’ve been healing and delivering for years-about 20 years since I began dealing with my sexual abuse-but as I’m progressing the pace in picking up and things are comming to a head. Sort of like I’m about to give birth to a new sort of freedom. As things are comming to a head it feels like I’m in a pressure cooker and its sort of intense…all the problems are taking center stage, becoming crystal clear. Any sort of denial is fading fast…I am walking through the most painful aspects and problems related to my abuse and coming through to the other side. Not quite through, yet, but far enough along to see the other side, to see that it (healing/victory) is obtainable. Even though it hurts, I know its God’s way…there’s no way to get around some of this stuff…issues like the nitty gritty trauma memories as they surface related to life or death scenarios (suffocations, sodomy, bondage, snuff films, my Dad’s murder fantasies, etc.), my finances, my marriage, my daughter, my codependency-all the ways my trauma impaired me and my relationships. I see the healing and deliverance just over the horizon. Layer by layer fear is being removed and I am becoming lighter. Instead of feeling trapped and closed in like the trauma memories under the surface often made me feel like, I am feeling more and more free, like the world is opening up. I am feeling more equipped to handle’s life’s problems and less overwhelmed or like I want to fold and close up like I have in the past. Feeling like I am struggling to push through the cacoon, about to emerge with a new set of butterfly wings, into a beautiful graceful place of lightness and freedoMETAMORPHESIS8smallerm, like a graceful, fluttering butterfly enjoying the nectar and beauty of flowers.

The healing happens by following God, taking the steps he tells me. Like I said, it (healing) starts off very slowly and then starts to pick up pace the closer you get to the finish line. God can and does heal PTSD and complex issues. There’s nothing He can’t do, although He often chooses to take us through a process versus a quick, easy fix. it requires endurance, patience, committment, and trust…what little trust we have, giving it to Him allowing  Him to grow the trust and faith for us, which He does. He doesn’t condemn us or blame us for not trusting him because he knows what we’ve been through…just give him what we have…ask him to help us..He does! He teaches us about his love. Oh, his love is so good! The victory is going to taste so sweet!

Restoring Rain It’s not just for me. He’s in the healing and restoring business. That’s what He does! That’s why he sent Jesus.  He  loves all of us equally. I just feel like there’s an extra measure of grace being released for this process as God prepares his end-time Bride (His people). He does not want there to be wrinkles or blemishes. So if we press in, He will take us through this process of skimming of the junk and creating us fresh and new, ready to operate fully in our giftings and to walk into the destinies he created for us!

God’s been speaking to me more about this, showing me Bible verses, but this will have to be continued more later.

updating

  By Cassandra | April 7, 2013 - 12:52 pm | Uncategorized
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Working on updating the website. Last website was hacked into. So I had to change my wordpress theme for security reasons. I am trying to tweak this out and changes aren’t happening that quickly. In the mean-time it looks somewhat of a mess. My computer is a bit slow to boot. Please bear with me and I will try to get this thing back on track. There’s still a few issues from the hacking I need to look into, like the error message at top. My nephew was kind of enough to get me back in business again, though…thanks Ben!

I couldn’t figure out how to fix all the kinks so I put in a support ticket. Hopefully, they can fix it for me.

Restoration video

  By Cassandra | November 25, 2012 - 3:21 am | Music
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Restoration by David Brymer

Isaiah 61: 1-11

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

 The Spiritof the Sovereign Lordis on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good newsto the poor.He has sent me to bind upthe brokenhearted, to proclaim freedomfor the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a] 2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3  and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy  instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins  and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities  that have been devastated for generations. 5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6 And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace  you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.

8 “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people     and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9 Their descendants will be known among the nations     and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,     and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

Confirmation about our season of restoration

  By Cassandra | November 25, 2012 - 3:14 am | Bible Study, Personal, Prophecy, prophetic Art, sexual abuse, Uncategorized, worship
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Isn’t it nice when God confirms his word to you? Do you remember the word I spoke on October 4, 2012 about a new season of restoration for me and my family as well as for the body of Christ? Refer to it here. Well, I discovered this video today by Matt Sorger which was created on October 29, 2012 and published on November 8, 2012 which confirms this word rather nicely. He even mentions something about the garden and things that we have reaped.  Listen, it’s amazing.

This will actually be the third or fourth confirmation. What’s so amazing also is the timing of it, of everything God is doing. He is speaking powerfully. It’s exciting. When you listen to what God is doing and saying, then you don’t have to be dismayed at what is going on in the world, in our government, or in our economy. God is bigger than all that and able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20).

The first confirmation came on Wednesday, October 31, 2012 as I was walking home from Food Lion after work. It was a very windy day as this is the time frame that Sandy hit. My car is still out of commisison so I was walking. It is only a 10 minute walk from my home. Anyway, as I was walking I noticed part of a 50 dollar bill. It really was only a tiny section of a ripped 50 dollar bill, just big enough to read the “50.” I thought, “That’s strange. who would rip up a 50 dollar bill. Too bad it’s not the whole bill.” but out of curiosity I looked around and sure enough I found another part, and then another, and then another…there were about 10 small pieces of the bill which had been ripped up. I collected everything I could find which seemed to be all but two tiny pieces, and then wondered if I could tape it up and the thought occured to be…”I betcha I can restore this and use it.” As I said the word, “restore” it hit me what God had said about a season of restoration. This seemed amazing to me and I was sure God was going to allow me to use it and get the full value of the money even though it had been ripped to pieces. I marveled at how miraculos it was I found the pieces together on such a windy day and how only God cold do something like that..I wondered if God was speaking to me, that not only was he restoring, but that right now he was restoring our finances. If that wasn’t enough…believe me this keeps getting better…that Friday I recieved a check in the mail for my first publication for the “Overcoming Worshipper” which was published in the November/December 2012 issue of Horizons magazine by Presbyterian Women. I did not make the art for the front cover or write the article. The article is not at all about me or about the artwork, but it is about women leaders letting the Holy Spirit use them to bring transformation to the churches, despite how circumstances may appear. The article gives a few examples of women presbyterian leaders who are doing just that, and it celebrates them as women, their gifts, and God’s capacity to use all women. As I read it, I thought, ”I am one of those leaders…” Here is my image inspiring the nation to be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit through our worship and adoration of Him as our father and savior despite what may be going on around us. The title, “Overcoming Worshipper” is there, and even though there’s no story in the article about my own transformation, the title says it all about how we overcome through our worship. God did so much more with this than I could have hoped or imagined. It originally had been rejected for a show I thought it would fit in the best and for which I created it for (partly) about personal healing and transformation by the power of God. God had told me he had other plans for it. Now, I feel this touched so many more people that it would have at the conference/show and God made the level of meaning go even deeper than personal transformation, but about women letting God transform them so they could lead transformation in their churches! When I was asked originally to have it published I pictured a small magazine for a local church nobody knew about except local people. I had no idea how big this magazine was…this is huge for me. This just illustrates how God is and to think I never strived for this; it just happened because it was God’s will.  To me, this was also a sign of my personal restoration as an artist.  To be honest, my trauma and sexual abuse affected me at all levels and stunted my growth and development. Had I been more secure and less fearful I would have been further along in my artistic career no doubt, but its also the very things that Satan meant to hurt me with that God is using for his glory! Even though I move slowly in my growth and development as an artist, its the very healing and restoration God is doing in me, that is inspiring and releasing these artistic  works. It just can’t be separated from me…the very suffering I experienced is being transformed into His glory! I marvel at how God does that. I couldn’t be more thrilled that God chose to start off with that particlar piece since it personifies my life more than any other.

They mailed me a cople of copies of the magazine which is how I could scan it. Did you notice that they used the painting for the borders of the insert, too? I think they are using this for their Celebrating the Gifts of Women conference in March, too.

So I got the check that Friday, November 2, 2012 and prayed to God about how I should use the money. I tithe 30% to the homeless so I set that aside to Fig Tree Haven. It’s easy, I just upload it to the website in the donation section. I also did 10% of the fifty. I sold a card, too, so I did 30% of that. I felt like God said to get a frame for it and some things for the card making, and a new canvas and frame for the next big piece. I must plan wisely because I really don’t get any other money for art supplies right, now. God’s already told me to tithe the 30 and then re-invest tthe money I get from art back into art supplies. Saturday, November 3, 2012 my husband and I took a bus trip to Michael’s and we had quite a great time.

On the way there, God did another miracle and confirmation about this season of restoration we’re entering. This is also very big! We were checking our bank account prior to spending any money and discovered a $188 mysterious credit to our account. Afraid to trust it, we called the bank and waited on the phone forever to see what it was all about, Turns out it was a settlement payment from Bank of America because of the overdraft lawsuit that is against them. Also read about it here. We had lost 1,000′s because of their policies, reversing the order of transactions, around 2004 -2007.  I can’t remember exactly the time frame, but it was at least a couple of years worth and I felt like we we’re being robbed. If I went to Walmart, and Dollar Tree, and Wendy’s or something like that on payday and made several transactions, but misjdged what I spent and left my account $2 short for an automatic bill which was scheduled to go through the next day, then instead of the bill only bouncing and Bank of America paying it and charging us a $35 overdraft fee, the bill or largest amount would go through first along with overdraft fees and then all the other smaller things purchased on the debit card would bounce and also be charged a $35 overdaft fee. Things would take at least 3 days to post if not longer so they could reverse the order of at least 3 days worth of transactions. It was not unusual to have 6 overdraft fees at once for a small mistake. So I cried out to God about this and others did, too, I’m sure, and they changed some of their practices and then the lawsuit came about! And God also showed me a strategy to  keep the overdraft fees from happening. I developed different bank accounts for our various needs so we could budget more easily and not overspend money from the same account our bills automatically come out of. I have my paycheck money go into the various accounts. The bill account has enough money to pay the bills and we spend from the food and gas account. We also have a tithe accouunt, a medical expense account, a family allowance account, etc…They’re all connected so we can easily transfer money as needed. It’s kind of like the old system of separating your money into envelopes for different bills and needs.  When God showed me this we nearly completely eliminated all the overdrsft fees! At the same time we were suffering from all the overdraft fees, we were also slaves to payday loans and God did some things (law and policy changing) to make that better, and then he delivered us from them, and we haven’t been back! We found out about the Bank of America lawsuit last year so its interesting to see how the restoration payment came through right in early November as God was speaking these words of restoration to me. I know $188 doesn’t make up for 1,000′s of dollars, but God can! If God is speaking this so powerfully to me, then there must be something to it!

But the stories go on! So that Saturday I spent my art money and got a beautiful frame for 50% off! I also got another beuatiful frame and canvas (slightly larger), also each 50% off! I bouught ribbons for my cards,  a hole puncher,  a paper puncher which makes pretty doily designs, some paint brushes, some card stand holders,  a pretty box to put the cards in, and a few other things. I decided to try my luck with the taped up fifty dollar bill and Michael’s took it! If not, I had researched it and knew I could send it to the treasuury office to get the full value since I had at least one whole serial number intact. I liked that I got to spend it at Michael’s though and get extra things. That felt awesome! My husband and I were carrying the frames and canvases home on the bus which was kind of funny because they were so huge!

I was so excited about everything and joy was just oozing out of every pore that I was telling almost everyone about all the things God was doing at my local church that Sunday morning, November 4, 2012. I then got invited to write out my testimony for the church bulletin board and also share it at the Women’s tea, Saturday morning, November 17, 2012. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to get up early on a Satrday morning because I had been working so much those weeks, doing extra hours which were offered to me, which I took advantage of because I want to be able to get my car fixed. Maybe I had been fighting my flesh. I prayed about it, but didn’t feel like I had a confirmation to go until that Satrday morning the event actually took place. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal, but I would just be an add-on testimony, but it turned out that there were only two speakers and I was one of them!  I had already done some studying about restoration in the Bible and I had several key scriptures God was speaking to me about.  I felt like God wanted me to share the message of the painting about how we can overcome by standing on God’s word and promises despite everything we’ve been through and the adversity around us. I felt led to share about how God is delivering and restoring me from a childhood of sexual abuse. I actually felt led to share some of the severity of it because I sense alot of people are afraid of the coming times we are in….there is fear for our country, fear we will be destroyed, divided, weakened either through war and our lessened military or through our weakened economy, the fiscal cliff, states talking about succession, etc. There’s so much fear and negativity people are being consumed with. I heard one prophecy recently from a friend that the United States would be no more in the next 2 years. Personally speaking, I don’t think it will be that soon, but we know what’s coming ahead of us because the Bible tells us. I’m certainly not the expert on prophecy in the Bible concerning the US and other countries and don’t claim to be, but I do know whatever plans God has will come to pass no matter what and can’t be changed (Isaiah 46:9-13.) I also know there’s no reason to fear, that God would rather have us focus on his presence and power. Also, I think God wanted us to know that despite what may be going on in the world or in our economy, that He can still bless us!  I felt like if I shared the severity of my abuse (i.e. sodomy, suffocation, being bound, shared, etc.) that they would understand the miraculous power of God to heal a life and restore what was lost. It was the first time that I publicly shared those type of details, even thouugh many of my friends do know about my sexual abuse, they do no know the details (except maybe 1 or 2 close friends) just becase its a little awkward and disturbing…so when I shared those details it really caused a leap of anxiety in me…I think it might have been the inward parts guarding the memories that didn’t like me sharing the details. It was kind of interesting that despite the anxiety I really felt the anoiting on me and the words God led me to speak blended in perfectly with the message the other lady, Whitney, spoke on about coming to the well of God, which was the theme for the tea breakfast event. I shared what God showed me was the key to transformation which was Galatians 2:20, ”I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” I shared how I went through a season where my flesh was crucified through all my sufffering, but because it was crucified Christ could now live in me and do amazing things. I also shared how He used all my trials and hardships to build charcter ine me and, utimately hope so I would be lacking no good thing.

Romans 5:1-5, Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I shared how his presence even felt stronger during the dark, hard times because I was forced to press in to him and depend on him and because i was forced to I learned about his goodness and faithfulness, how He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). i also developed a security in Him that was not dependent on my circmstances, that no one could ever take away from me.

I shared abou the season of restoration God was speaking to me about and a little bit of the things He did to show me, but how God showed me that it wasn’t just for me, but for everyone, only we had a choice to make about whether or no we wanted to receive it, how obedience was the key to blessing and restoration.  I ended it with sharing Isaiah 57:15-19.

For this is what the high and exalted One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
“I live in a high and holy place,but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the contrite.
16 I will not accuse them forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then they would faint away because of me—
the very people I have created.
17 I was enraged by their sinful greed;
I punished them, and hid my face in anger,
yet they kept on in their willful ways.
18 I have seen their ways, but I will heal them;
I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners,
19     creating praise on their lips.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
says the Lord. “And I will heal them.”.

 

 

 

Autumn and spring cards in the making

  By Cassandra | November 5, 2012 - 3:05 pm | Uncategorized
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Here are a few examples of my fall collection card series. It’s not really practical for me to sell these on-line because of the amount of time it takes to upload them and put them together in an image where you can see the whole thing, however if anyone is interested you can always email me and I’d be happy to sell you one or create one just for you in a color scheme of your choice. These cards are $10 a piece.. One thing I’m considering doing is putting together a set of cards in a box, too. I don’t have envelopes, yet. I need to go buy some or else make some.

These particular leaf cards are made mostly of recycled paper, for instance after I do watercolor  demonstrations I will save the paper and later recreate it into something such as these cards. It saves paper, is good for the environment, and saves money. First, maybe while I am watching TV or on the bus I will hand tear out the cards to approximate specifications (11 x 4 inches) to add to that personal, home-made touch.  I will then layer gesso on top of it and imprint things into the gesso, like the leaf, some beads or buttons, even grass at times, and different circular type shapes like bubble wrap or a metal ribbon-like thing I have with circular  holes in it. I will then press them overnight under some heavy boxes or books and perhaps for a few days or a week until it dries. After it dries I will paint over it will the first layer of watercolor paints.If the gesso is still wet it will mix in the paint creating more of a soft pastel-like color. I like to leave the leaves on there and paint around it so that I will be able to see the leaf better when I go to remove it.  I will remove the items once its completely dry, and when I do it will leave the imprints from the objects. Then I will either add more layers of watercolor paints or oil pastels until I get enough color that I like.  It usually takes 3-4 layers of color before I’m satisified.I then like to finish them up with metallic watercolor paints, Yasutomo and Company – Niji Pearlescent Watercolor Set 21 colors, which are totally awesome (and cheap!) Then I take modge podge to them to make them shiny and protected, and then finally finish them off with an all-purpose protective spray because the modge podge will cause them to stick together if not sprayed with something else. The final touch will be to fold them up to 5/12/x4 inch cards and leaving enough of an edge on thhe right side which gets folded over for a little flap. I then punch holes in the flap all the way through and add the ribbons which holds the  flaps down and allows the card to open and close by tucking into the flap. I have a wide array of different ribbons to choose from and will add the one that I think looks best. I buy the ribbons on sale at Michael’s or wherever else I may come across them.

I’ve liked using Portfolio oil pastels lately because they’re water soluable and I can make practical use of my time while I’m riding on the bus and work on some of my cards, whereas it would be much harder to use watercolors on the bus, athough I like to add that final metallic watercolor layer. The portfolio’s will just mix right in with it, and the Portfolio’s will  turn dark and kind of shiny when a liquid is added to them-they’re not water resistant like typical oil pastels. Also, in this way I could attract interest in my cards without actually outright bothering people to try to sell them.

My real plan is to sell them at a flea market or craft show, but I think I will start with flea markets and work my way up. Also, eventually, I could sell them in a  gallery along with my art. I have a gallery in mind where I have connections…Actually I have connections in two galleries, but one requires monthly payments whereas the other one only requires volunteer work. Rather than rushing into any of this before I’m ready, I’m getting myself ready first and will then make my moves, that way I can go at my own pace. If you follow my blog at all, you know that I usually have a lot going on and little free time. I’m not worried about the pace of my success because I know God’s plan for me and it involves steady, slow progress with a  few supernatural happenings here and there (I’ll get to that a little bit more in the next post.) I finally realized that slow and steady is better for me because if success happened too fast I would very literally probably be too overwhelmed.

In addition to my $10 fall cards which I will more than likely sell the bulk at next year’s fall’s  flea markets or fall festivals (I’ve been researching the flea markets and annual craft shows) I’m also working on a $5 version which is a lot easier and quicker too make, but still beautiful and fun.

Sorry, I didn’t feel like taking the time to trim these down and cut out the scanner portion. I have a lot I want to do today and want to have time to do it all. I literally spent about 4 hours scanning and cutting and pasting my cards together for blog posting  Friday night.

These are made in bulk by painting a big piece of watercolor paper and then adding different strings and objects, and then covering with seran wrap to get texture. I also used some different splattering and salt effects, along with alcohol droppings and/or sprays. Again, I must wait for these to dry, then I paint the oppositie side…usually a bit simpler and softer, then wait for that to dry. Then add modge podge and wait for that to dry. Then I will use a big cutter to cut them down into individual cards, then fold them together and add my hole punches. Then I will spray each individual card with protective spray, then later add my ribbons.

I was inspired by a beautiful card a friend got for me several years ago, which was folded in the same way with the little flap and the ribbon. I just loved that. I know a lot of people use this method and there’s no copyright on it, but Iloved it for its cuteness and simplicity.

 

Be willing to step through your fear.

  By Cassandra | October 9, 2012 - 11:37 am | dreams, Feelings, healing
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In order to overcome we must be willing to step through our fear, face, and battle the giants which have imprisoned us. There are always giants blocking our way into the promised land, but God has given us everything we need and has promised us victory. Jesus works on the cross defeated the enemy and stole the keys from death and hell. Our faith in God’s promises will always enable us to take action and overcome.

A season of Restoration

  By Cassandra | October 4, 2012 - 2:10 am | dreams, Feelings, healing
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I wanted to write a few thoughts before I forget.

I feel like I am transitioning from one season into another. I am entering a new season of restoration. As I transition I can see parts of my old life and season and parts of the new season simultaneously. I do have a new apartment, now, much nicer. God took care of those awful problems we had at the other place…leaking pipes causing water to drip through the ceiling. They never gave us the slips after they came to do work on it. They never could fix the problem so we had a hole in our ceiling. I was afraid they would charge us for it, even though i’m pretty sure the problem existed before we moved in and they just covered it up. God seemed to use the fire incident to take care of that. That headache is behind us. We continually had clogged drains there, and at the place before that, too. Here, no cloged drains. I always thought God was using that as a spiritual metaphore…But I must have gotten myself unclogged somehow. Like I said my daughter has her GED, now, and the headache of the school years are behind us. I got a new cellphone, now, after waiting a year and a half. We switched providers, have better coverage, are saving money, and We each got new cellphones. Boy, God sure knows how to make me patient. Still waiting for my laptop to be replaced after about 3 years when it was broke by someone other than myself. We have one laptop we share, now. Still waiting for the car to be fixed, but we got our home phone and internet restored today. I got offered extra hours at work so I am working towards getting the money to get the car fixed. Now, that internet and phone is back Steve can work at home, now. He’s also taking a free tax class so he can do that come January, hopefully.

I’ve been working my butt off, including with art; working towards ways to make an income. Making a series of cards, now. Been trying to develop a time effective cost effective method and getting closer. I have at least 50 cards made. Hopefully, I can post some soon. I’ve also been dreaming of coming up with a great soup recipe. Since money has been so tight and we have been living off of $25 a week for food and household products I’ve been buying bags of different dried beans and making enough soup to last a week at a time. Rather than feel miserable about having to eat so much soup for so long I thought I could turn it into a challenge or adventure; to come up with some outstanding soup recipes. Right, now I’m just following the recipes on the back of the bean bag or altering it just slightly. In my mind I keep thinking, “Necessity is the mother of invention.” I keep thinking there has to be a way for me to create extra income with my gifts and talents. I’ve been asking God specifically to give me creative ideas that would produce income. There’s possibily some developments with opportunities related to my art, but its too soon to talk about it, yet.

My daughter has been doing so well, they they are considering ending all her services soon. I have mixed feelings about it, afraid she might need something not there, but I have to remind myself I have medicaid, now which can help if we need anything. There have been a few bumps in the road, which to me are big things, but to them I guess its not so much. To see the growth is exciting. Honestly, the family therapy we had been recieving must have just dissipated the anger because things are much quieter these days…But you wouldn’t have known it at the time since it seemed we weren’t getting anywhere. We had a new in-home therapist in the last 2 monthhs, not focusing on the family piece as much. In fact, they think she might not even qualify for disability again when she has to requalify when she turns 18.

God gave me a revelation yesterday morning. He showed me that all the hardships could be compared to how hard it is for a farmer to till a field full of hard dirt; that my hardships created the tilled soil for good things to grow in; and that a wide variety of seeds had been planted, and He was expecting a harvest of bounty soon. I got confused thinking that I should already have a full grown garden, and asked God why I just have seeds. He showed me that I did already grow a garden-it was my old season. This garden was not the most successful garden in the world. The soil had not been properly prepared and it had been hard. There were alot of weeds and only a few things able to be harvested. Some crops didn’t turn out so well, so He caused crop failure for that. Everything was pulled up and sorted. That which did not produce anything good was grounded up, weeds and all, to put in the soil for the new garden to cause the soil to be very rich in nutrients. The new soil was rich from my past failures. The plants which were already bountiful were replanted in the new garden. God showed me that this garden will be much easier to tend to and grow things because the soil was rich and everything was tended to the proper way ahead of time. So this garden will grow faster than the last garden and produce healthier crops.

I read over some of my journal entries (my private ones) the other night, and God just revived my faith because I saw what He was doing, what He had been saying, and some things already were coming to pass. I read about how God let me feel his glory and how he spoke to me several times on the floor, how He is healing me and delivering me, me and my family. Words spoken from God straight to my Spirit. Words I can count on. Words when spoken complete the work they were sent out to do. I read words given to me about future success with my art, future abundance, etc. I read about how easy it is in the Glory realm, how weightless it feels. How once I overcome, Satan’s time of testing will be over, and He will no longer have the opening and the rights to attack me like He has in the past due to the trauma or any curses that were spoken over me. God is closing the doors that the Enemy came through and driving him out! I’ve said this before, Satan’s days are numbered. He cannot ever have the upperhand for too long when you are a Believer. I only have brief encounters with the glory realm, now…but there will be a time when I am so saturated with God’s presence and glory that it will go on and on…and what God does then…I can’t even imagine…it will be too good to describe.

I want to say that I have been thinking about Elijah lately, how he saw the rain in the Spirit before it ever came down (2nd Kings). He sent somone to look and the looker didn’t see any sign of rain at all, no rain clouds. But Elijah knew because he had seen in the spirit and he kept sending him back. After the 7th time the looker saw a tiny rain cloud forming…it started out very tiny, but it led to an ourpouring after a long season of drought. I see the rain cloud. I see it! I’m declaring a season of restoration over me and my family, and over you, too, and over God’s people.

Holding on through faith during the last stretch of the race!

  By Cassandra | September 1, 2012 - 6:48 pm | Uncategorized
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I’m sitting outside the public library borrowing the internet. We are moved and pretty much settled in-although the place is about half the size and certain rooms are a little crowded. It’s a nice place, much easier to manage and clean.

My daughter has her GED, now, so this coming school year will be less stressful. She just turned 17. We are focusing on independent living skills, now. She is volunteering at a convalescent home and getting some good experience. She does well there, doing bingo with the elderly. She recently went off her meds and asserts she doesn’t need them, and this time right now has posed more challenges, even though some of the challenges are behind us. Yet, I trust God that He is holding her, protecting her, and intervening to turn things around on her behalf. I just hold onto faith, looking at what he’s already done. I can’t speak on all the details because they’re too personal, but all I know is that what he does for me with her is a pretty big gift, one that will never be forgotten.

We are active with the homeless ministry on Sunday afternoons, my husband and I, with the Fig Tree Haven Ministries. We mainly just serve them food, lots of bread and pastries donated by Foodlions and hotdogs or chicken brought in by someone-never know who- but there is alaways some. A lady and her children has joined us and so they bring food and bottled water, too.

We just fellowship with them. Jim preaches after dinner and so does others at times, including me if God gives me something-which is fairly often.

Steve and I lost our car-well its just broke down-and I find we see the homeless everywhere, including now at the library, on the buses, etc. In this way God is sort of expanding the ministry. I also run into quite a few people who recognize me from being hospitalaized where I work.

I’ve been pressing in to God a great deal as I find it necessary during this hardship. I was already pressed for time, but now I have even less time on my hands since I have to take the buses everywhere. I walk at least 5-10 miles a week and find myself pretty exhausted alot, especially since I’m also giving plasma once or twice a week. Just to get to my therapy appointments is a 3-4 hour bus ride each way, and that hasn’t been working out too well-and I’m on the verge of losing the services all together. I cancelled when the car first broke down, then I passed out on the way there after giving plasma, then the bus broke down…so I’ve been praying about whether or not to post pone the sessions alltogether, do it once every other week, or take the bus there every week and just leave an hour earlier in case it breaks down or gets delayed. That’s the biggest hardship right there. Getting to work back and forth is not that difficult-just an hour bus ride.

God has been pouring out his love and provision right and left. I have seen miracles, and slowly we’re finding a way to climb out of the financial hole we find ourselves in. My husband has not been working and we also lost our phone and internet services. We still have the cell, but the reception is terrible where we live, so we are considering changing it.

God showed me that during this hard difficult time God is further separating me from the world, creating a hunger and desperation in me that is necessary for me to be equipped for his end times ministry. I’m learning gradually not to measure my future by my current circumstances. I feel strongly that this in only a season, even though reason would dictate that we will be living in poverty forever. I don’t live by reasoning, but by faith in God which is often contrary to what circumstances are. I kind if feel like I’m on the last stretch of the race before my big breakthrough. I’ve had to pick up the pace because it’s the last stretch and is the hardest one, but once I cross the finish line things will become much easier and be opened up for me. In the mean time I hold on to the miracles God has done for me, which are too personal to mention, but big ones I can’t forget. He raises my faith little by little. I pray for strength continuously. God’s given me a special kind of endurance. Like I said bebfore God’s created me to be an overcomer so I can show others how to do the same.

Dancing my way through

  By Cassandra | May 26, 2012 - 2:07 pm | Art, dance, healing, worship
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Dancing my way through, digital

 
I’ve been insanely busy with this move. There is so much to do and I feel overwhelmed with stress at times. But I know God is with me and He gives me little gifts here and there, for instance some flowers that were on sale for a $1 each. We’re pretty much living by faith at the moment, and the only way things are working out is because of God’s grace. But His timing is perfect, and he’s suplying our needs. I’m feeling a little sad at times because personally so many of my needs go unmet, but when I see the way God is helping us and changing things for us, I also feel encouraged. Sometimes I feel like I’m pedaling fast, but going backwards, and getting worn down in the process, but I know that’s not true. If I go back and read old journals I can see how God has majorly intervened in my life and actually eased my load and burdens with the in-home services, and now the disability. he things that used to create anxiety are creatinng less anxiety these days, and I’m so thankful for God for that. When you look back and can see the overall landscape of your life changing for the better, it gives you courage and hope for the future, to continue persevering-despite current challenges and dificulties.
 
 
The current challenges mainly relate to finances. It is so hard for me to live without certain comforts like a tv set, or a computer, or a cell phone, or money to buy art supplies when I want to. I’m even without music when I want it. Luckily I can afford some flowers for a $1 which gives me just a little sense of comfort and brightness for my day. I work very hard, did 39 hours this week in 4 days, and then go home and have to clean or pack. I used up valuable packing time to make this artwork after work yesterday, but if I have no art-makign time I might go nuts!
 
Our one and only computer broke down so my husband has been unable to work. He has been helping a tad more, and actually we were able to do ministry for the homeless this past Sunday together. Come to find out that we will only be about 1 mile from where the homeless meetings will now be. Do you think God is setting us up or what. There’s a lot of exciting things going on, things coming together miistry wise. I am excited for God’s plans. Remeber when I wrote about wanting to go boating, feeling like i can’t enjoy the area i live in which is surrounded by water? Well, found out that Jim and Mary have a sailboat at the marina next to where we live, so i can look forward to some future sail boat riding! god does care about what’s on our hearts.
 
I have been dancing more at church and feel that God has anointed me for this. Not sure why…i have had no dance lessons, but it seems to come naturally. i just picture myself alone with jesus in a beautiful garden and dancing to show Him how much i love Him. People have told me they see angels around me when i dance. I feel that as i worship God is working behind the scenes on my behalf and also releasing His glory. He told me He created me to release his glory. Wow.